The pain seems to always be there, the thoughts, the doubt. Have things gone to far that we can't make it work, that we are done. I want to hope not but hope is in short supply right now. I distrust him so much that it consumes me. I feel like I am just going through my days that melt into each other. The darkness that closes in around me and has moments of lifting but only moments. I strive to put on a happy face but it is not always easy. I am getting better at it and when I can fool my husband then I know I will have succeeded.
The day before Thanksgiving I came within about 20 seconds of getting in a head on collision with someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. I am so thankful I am not in the hospital or worse. One thing that came out of it is I know this is not my home, that the southwest is where I belong, either CA or AZ. I felt such peace when that realization hit me. Now whether it is with or without Dennis that remains to be seen. All I know is I need to focus on getting myself healthy emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. So who knows how things will turn out. I need to learn to focus on today and leave the future up to God.
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