Airports, flying and changes

As I was sitting at the Salt Lake City airport waiting to board a plane to Phoenix I thought about the process of actually getting to that point in an airport. I tend to carry on my bags because I usually don’t go for more than a weekend. This time I was going for a week so I decided to check a bag. Plus I was flying Southwest and I can check it for free. Checking my bag at the airport was interesting. I checked in my bag, a destination tag was attached and I was told to take it down to the screener. This was new to me. I walked slowly in the direction of what looked like the screener and the guy waved me forward. He took my bag and I asked is that it, do I go now? He said yes but was he thinking what an idiot?? In addition I remember when you could walk to the gate to meet or see someone off. Being able to give someone that last hug before they boarded their plane or get that first hug the moment they were off the plane is a thing of the past. Only those with a proper boarding pass and ID can get back to the gates after going through security checks. In addition there are many changes and restrictions when it comes to carry on bags. All the changes when it comes to flying are due to 9-11. How one day, one incident, one choice changed the lives of so many people. There are stories of people who would've been there but weren’t due to one little difference in their daily routine or the other way around. Look back in history and see how one day, one choice or one incident changed the course of many things. One can even look back on their own life and see the same thing. My own life is full of choices and incidents. Some I have handled with grace but others I have not. Some things that happened in my life were devastating. My grandson Matthew dying at 16 months is the most devastating thing that has happened to my kids and me. While this happened in 1997, our lives will never be the same. There is always a part of us that is missing. We have learned and are still learning to live with it. In the face of such tragedies there are choices to be made. It is not easy to keep going but taking it step by step, day by day was what I did because my kids needed me. There were hard days when I didn’t want to get up out of bed but I forced myself to do it. There are times when it can still hit me as if it just happened but I strive to keep moving forward. Life does not stop with the things that happen, big or small. If a person decides to just stop in their tracks, life continues on around them. For those who are facing things in their life that make them want to just stop where they are at I encourage you to take it one day, one moment or one step at a time. You will one day look at your life and see how not standing was the best thing to do. One of my life quotes is from Michael J Fox’s “Always Looking Up.” It is in relation to his Parkinson’s but any situation can be put in the place of it. In his book he says “For everything this disease has taken, something with greater value has been given--sometimes just a marker that points me in a new direction that I might not otherwise have traveled. So, sure, it may be one step forward and two steps back, but after a time with Parkinson's, I've learned that what is important is making that one step count; always looking up.”

Where I dream to live

So if I could choose anywhere to live then I would choose the San Diego area. I lived there briefly for about 18 months and fell in love with it. It was the first time in my life I truly felt at home. I lived in Phoenix for 16 years and while most of my family is there it does not feel like home. San Diego gave me a sense of peace and calm. If I truly needed to just get away I could drive to the beach and just sit, listening to the waves. I would dig my toes into the sand and let the stress just fade away. If it was late enough I could watch the sunset, the sun sinking into the horizon. It looked as if the sun would sizzle as it appeared to sink into the ocean. It has been over a year since I have been able to do that and I miss it so much. With what has been going on since last summer I could sure use a dose of the beach. Calm and peace are something that is desired, even with the storms all around. I am hoping I can find it where I am now. To just keep looking to God as I continue on this stormy path. Those who believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior are not promised an easy or trouble free life. Life is life for everyone. We all experience good and bad, ups and downs whether we are believers or not. For those who are believers we just need to keep our focus on God and know He truly does love and care about each one of us. We are His children and we each need to remember that. Remember we can trust God with our eternal life then we can trust Him with our earthly life.

Dark Times

It has been so long since I wrote anything. It has been dark months full of pain and betrayal. Of wondering what to do. So much pain on top of more pain. It still sits but I am learning to live with it. I am not sure it will ever go away. The memories are not as sharp but they do come back every so often. On top of it I am homesick, I miss being near my family. I read a line from a Psalm that said "having sorrow in my heart daily." That really struck so very deep because it finally gave sense to what I feel inside constantly. I am realizing it is something I will carry with me no matter the choice I make. So I will think carefully, pray fully and trust completely in God to help me make the right decision.

Latest Poem

The Darkness

The dark pit yawns before me waiting to swallow me up

I can’t find a way to get off this downward spiral

I cry out in anguish and pain yet I grow dead inside

My mind begins to grow numb unable to think clearly

I want to end this pain and anguish.

I want the memories that plague me to stop

At times I see only one way out of this

Yet I can’t take that route, go that path

Will the pain and hurt ever end??

The pain seems to always be there, the thoughts, the doubt. Have things gone to far that we can't make it work, that we are done. I want to hope not but hope is in short supply right now. I distrust him so much that it consumes me. I feel like I am just going through my days that melt into each other. The darkness that closes in around me and has moments of lifting but only moments. I strive to put on a happy face but it is not always easy. I am getting better at it and when I can fool my husband then I know I will have succeeded.

The day before Thanksgiving I came within about 20 seconds of getting in a head on collision with someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. I am so thankful I am not in the hospital or worse. One thing that came out of it is I know this is not my home, that the southwest is where I belong, either CA or AZ. I felt such peace when that realization hit me. Now whether it is with or without Dennis that remains to be seen. All I know is I need to focus on getting myself healthy emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. So who knows how things will turn out. I need to learn to focus on today and leave the future up to God.

As Life Goes On

Being thankful is getting so much harder to grasp. Hope and miracles are in very short supply. If God did not have a hold of me I would fall into a deep hole and not sure I would get out of it. I just need to remind myself to keep looking forward and upward but that is easier said then done. There are times I take more steps backward then I do forward. Things are so hard at my house right now that I am ready to pack up and go back to what I consider home. I know that is not the right thing to do but doesn't make that feeling go away. This is week 2 of a very stressful time. I can hardly eat and when I sleep it is not restful. I feel like there are times I am walking around in a fog. Will things continue this stressful and hard. Will things continue to be painful for a long time. I am not sure I can handle the hurt and pain I am going through right now. I try to find a place to go to just be quiet with God but even that is hard because I miss the beach so very much. That is the one place I could find a peace and solace like I never found anywhere else. There could waves crashing or the gentle lapping at the shore. The glorious sunsets that sing in praise to God. I don't understand why things did not work out that we could stay. I have never felt so at home as I did when we lived there and I was only there for 18 months. But I have to trust God knows the whys of being here and He does know what the future holds better. So I will go for now, try to get some sleep and maybe it will be restful and tomorrow I will wake up with even a smidgen of hope.

Just sayin'

Why do people think whatever issue they have is so horrible and insurmountable to overcome?? A genetic disorder that is treatable is not insurmountable. Dealing with the death of a loved one, especially a child, is not insurmountable. What keeps us at that point in our thinking is when we don't share with others, when we hold ourselves inside. It becomes so fearful to let others in to see who you really are because a person is afraid. I know I have been there, I lived in fear of behaviors and issues I dealt with. When I finally go help and found healing was I able to really become who I am. I like who I am, I am a devoted, loving, caring woman. I swear a little too much and I can laugh out loud at the most juvenile humor. I am responsible and dependable, people know they can count on me. I am a woman of faith who loves God but still will do things in my own strength then run into my Father's arms for help when things don't work out. I love my husband and kids fiercely and would protect them with all I have. I can dress up in fancy clothes but am more at home in a pair of jeans, tank top and flip flops. I love to read and write. History is one of fave subjects. World War II is my favorite historical era to study and read about. I have quite a few World War II books. I hate science and math. All my family is so very precious to me and I am blessed to have grown up in a large family. My sisters and I are a close group of 8 women. I also have a close group of friends that I can share anything with and I do. I have friends that I have known for over a decade and those that are new. I was also diagnosed bi polar and I take meds for it, if I didn't I would get out of control. I am overweight and can eat compulsively, I tried to explain to my husband what that meant. I could eat half a gallon of ice cream in one sitting even if I was full, I could force it down. However those things don't define me, they are a part of who I am but they don't define me. Why am I writing all this, because I am dealing with someone who thinks they are this awful person because of a genetic disorder they were diagnosed with and I have talking to them about those positives about them. Yes they need help, I have told them that but this person needs to be reminded of their value. That this diagnosis does not define them so don't let it have control over them. We are more than a diagnosis, a symptom. We are living breathing people and if we are born again we have the added bonus of being the child of the living God.