Some of my writings

Here are a few things I wrote when I was going through a hard time. So feel free to tell me what you think

I Lost A Friend

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. God, I know I messed up yesterday and lost a friend in the process. I was offensive and harsh in my voice, words and attitude. I can not make it right because to try would make it worse.

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. It hangs heavy in the air like a foul smell that will not go away, constantly reminding me that I messed up, trying to drive me into shame and feelings of failure.

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. It haunts my thoughts the words I used. They hang in my mind and screech away constantly reminding me of what I did. Like the harsh screech of a wounded bird. I can find no solace from them.

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. I have to look to God to repair what I have damaged because I know I messed up yesterday and lost a friend in the process.

And Life Goes On….Slowly


This day has been so long and drawn out. Every minute ticks by slowly, has time come to a stand still I ask myself or am I in a dream that I can not awake from. I have wept and prayed and just been numb throughout this day. And still the minutes-tick tock, tick tock, ever so slowly and each tick tock a painful movement in my heart and head. Oh God I ask, comfort me in my pain and increase my trust in You I cry out. Yet there are times of laughter and praises. Then the pain sinks in and tick tock tick tock, time slows once again. Isn't it time to shut myself under my covers and close my eyes to hopefully sleep, which is ever so elusive. I have hit the streets twice already in hopes that walking them will pass the day quicker but even in that it is ever so slowly going by. I keep my shoes on in case I need to move again and there I will be walking the streets in hopes time will pass again. The day has been so long and drawn out.

When The Quiet Seems So Loud

Lately I have been restless and can't stand the quiet in my house. It seems so loud. It echoes through all the rooms, every corner and crevice. I try to fill it up with music or TV or I take off on a walk when it is too loud. I dread coming home and hearing how loud the quiet is. At times it is deafening with it's stillness. Now my head is another matter, it is constantly abuzz with noise and thoughts and activity. It never shuts up or shuts down, day and night, awake or asleep. Sleep though has been fairly elusive for a couple of weeks, the constant buzz of everything keep me from sleeping well. It is broken and restless. When I do manage to sleep solid that is when the nightmares can intrude. I hate waking up because again the quiet in the house is deafening in its silence. And it is the night when my mind is the most active in its thinking. So many paths it can take at night, so much sorrow or pain or anger that is magnified in the deafening quiet of the house. I long to get up and out of my house; away from the quiet. However I will never be free of my mind, all its thoughts that are constant and at times so dark. I think if the house was not so loud in its quietness would my mind be so deafening with thoughts, activities and noise. So I repeat lately I have been restless and can't stand the quiet in my house.