sorrow and loss

Loss hangs heavy inside of me, it weighs down like an anchor of lead. I am reaching out to God. He keeps me in His truth while the pain and hurt flood over me. I have to go through it to get past it. Did I hang onto you because I did not want another loss? It has been a year plus since leaving the cult and there is not just a loss of relationships but the loss of trust, loss of fellowship, loss of a sense of belonging, I had felt safe there and all of the sudden it was gone. I lost that trust in a spiritual leader. I was deceived, betrayed, manipulated and abused while I was there. So would I have gotten so close to you if I didn’t have all that so fresh in me? I won’t know that for sure but I know it is just one of many losses I’m grieving over as I experience the pain and hurt; betrayal and being used. However it does not excuse or lessen what you did to me. I want to make that very clear. But it makes dealing with it in a more correct way because it is a hurt I have to work through along with the other stuff. I can strive to let you go with a finality of it, which just writing it hurts because I didn’t want to lose you that is just the way it has to be. You do not understand why we can’t be friends but you made that choice you set out to use me like you did. I don’t want a friend who is so dishonoring and disrespectful to me. Friends deserve to be treated with dignity, honor and respect. What hurts yet doesn’t is I have not heard from you since we talked on Monday about it all. You were so surprised I was so hurt and felt used. Yet I prayed for God to keep you out of my life so I am ambivalent. I want to see you but I do not, it is ambivalence, all I have to do is remember how you treated me, talked to me that Saturday night and then on Monday backed up what you said and I hope I never see you again. Yet I feel such sorrow for your lost soul that it burdens me at times. So I will pray for your salvation but skip the other stuff. God knows who I need for my life better than I do. He also knows if He opened that door to you that I would go through it, the key words being if God opened the door. So I will grieve out this loss along with the losses from the cult. I will be stronger for it all and God will heal my heart and move me on from you.

GOO GOO DOLLS ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is almost midnight and I got home about 30 min ago from the concert. It was so great. I did not see the opening act because I was meeting the Goo Goo Dolls. Which was great. I hugged all three, got to talk about 30 seconds to Robby and then the picture taking and out the door. Others complained about how little time you get but I say hey I got a picture of me with my favorite band, I am not going to complain. Anyway Melissa said the opening act was very good. Then Lifehouse was second, they are a really good band. They have a new CD out I think next week. Then it was the Goo Goo Dolls and let me tell you they rocked!!! They played old to new stuff. It was fantastic. Melissa and I were up on our feet the whole time dancing and moving, etc. They are so great in concert, if you have never seen them I would highly recommend them. They are high energy and awesome musicians. All over the stage and interacting with the audience. They sang my fave "Iris". It was also great to hear "Cuz You're Gone" and "Long Way Down" but also "Acoustic #3." John is one of the best songwriters. He has a way of putting these thought provoking words to music that get you thinking. But I also like Robby's songs, which he sang "Lucky Star" and a few others. His are much different that John's but just as provoking. This was my fourth time seeing them and I never get tired of going. When they come back through town I will be there and probably with Melissa because we have a great time together. Well folks it is late and I should try to get to bed.

Just rambling

The weather is so cool and mild outside. I dare to think it is spring even though it is almost the middle of June. What is going on I wonder but yet enjoy the open doors and air conditioner off. It makes me think of those small things in life that give pleasure or happiness. I try to cling to them because in the bigger things there is not alot of that going on. Life throws curves and sometimes it is a very long hairpin curve that never seems to end. I have been on one of those for a while now and I wonder when it will end and the road will straighten out. I am ready for a straight road for awhile without the personal struggle I have been going through. However God has me on this curve for a reason so I will look to Him and prepare for when the road does become straight once again. I can not hurry it along, even though I have been trying. That makes it more scary and dicey so I will take it at God's pace and strive to not get restless or stressed. My past is filled with those times when I hurried along the curve and crashed and burned. So I need to remember those times and take my foot off the gas and let God do it. I have done this before been impatient to get around a curve but God kept me slowed down to His pace and the outcome was so much more that I could have ever thought. So I will take this hairpin curve nice and slow, like one should on a curve like this. And just enjoy the ride along the way and know God will eventually bring me to the where it is straight on ahead...for a little while at least.

I miss her

This is for my mother in law. She died in Oct. She was a strong woman of faith.

I Miss Her

Today I sat by her grave

I told her I miss her

She was a woman of faith

She lived faith out in front of others

I was very blessed to have her in my life

I miss her hugging me and telling me she loves me

I miss how special she made me feel all the time

I never doubted she cared or loved me

Today I cried by her grave

I told her I miss her