sorrow and loss

Loss hangs heavy inside of me, it weighs down like an anchor of lead. I am reaching out to God. He keeps me in His truth while the pain and hurt flood over me. I have to go through it to get past it. Did I hang onto you because I did not want another loss? It has been a year plus since leaving the cult and there is not just a loss of relationships but the loss of trust, loss of fellowship, loss of a sense of belonging, I had felt safe there and all of the sudden it was gone. I lost that trust in a spiritual leader. I was deceived, betrayed, manipulated and abused while I was there. So would I have gotten so close to you if I didn’t have all that so fresh in me? I won’t know that for sure but I know it is just one of many losses I’m grieving over as I experience the pain and hurt; betrayal and being used. However it does not excuse or lessen what you did to me. I want to make that very clear. But it makes dealing with it in a more correct way because it is a hurt I have to work through along with the other stuff. I can strive to let you go with a finality of it, which just writing it hurts because I didn’t want to lose you that is just the way it has to be. You do not understand why we can’t be friends but you made that choice you set out to use me like you did. I don’t want a friend who is so dishonoring and disrespectful to me. Friends deserve to be treated with dignity, honor and respect. What hurts yet doesn’t is I have not heard from you since we talked on Monday about it all. You were so surprised I was so hurt and felt used. Yet I prayed for God to keep you out of my life so I am ambivalent. I want to see you but I do not, it is ambivalence, all I have to do is remember how you treated me, talked to me that Saturday night and then on Monday backed up what you said and I hope I never see you again. Yet I feel such sorrow for your lost soul that it burdens me at times. So I will pray for your salvation but skip the other stuff. God knows who I need for my life better than I do. He also knows if He opened that door to you that I would go through it, the key words being if God opened the door. So I will grieve out this loss along with the losses from the cult. I will be stronger for it all and God will heal my heart and move me on from you.