Do you ever

Life takes ups and downs and twists and turns. It is moving fast. I can not believe that it is already the middle of Oct. Where did this year go? So much has happened in this year, it was full and eventful. Tears and laughter, sadness and happiness. Hardship and heartache. Isn't that what life is about? At times it seems to be overwhelming and feels like it will never end. Then when it does and things settle down I what to see what I learned from what I just went through. Was it something life changing or just a lesson I needed to learn. I remember the year I was diagnosed as bi-polar which was only 4 years ago, how life changing that was to me. I was angry and tried just ignoring it and it has been a 4 years of learning and living and falling. At times 2 steps back and 1 forward but the thing is to just keep moving forward and don't lose hope and faith amid all one goes through. And that gets hard at times but even just clinging to one little word that keeps you hanging through till you can get to the other side. At times I faltered and fell but when one does that just pick up and brush off your knees and keep moving forward. I hope that when things are done and my life is through I will be remembered as never giving up and still having hope and faith

insanity

There is a small fear inside that I will one day go completely insane. That no matter taking meds, using talk therapy eventually I will go down in it and not come back out of it. That even with my loving family I will one day be gone to a place they can not reach me. And then I would be off where they could not find me. I see those homeless men and women on the streets downtown where I work. I have though will one day I be one of them. The mass of people who are fairly invisible to those who are not like them. To be a part of those who talk to themselves loudly without sense or reason to it. I fear this happening to me, losing my husband, my children, my family because I would go completely insane. There is no guarantees it won't happen, no assurances anyone can give me to ease my mind. I will take my meds, talk to a therapist and do what I need to do so I do not end up gone.

BLAH

It just seem as if things are blah lately and it is pissing me off yet bringing me down. I shake it off for a little while then it returns. It is like having a bunch of Mondays with a Friday thrown in every so often. In this state I tend to act out and do things I should not but I have been able to reign that in and stop before it gets to out of hand. Was like that a couple of years ago and I went way way down. I do not want to go there again so I strive to guard what I do and just ride out the worst. That is hard sometimes when the stresses around me seem to skyrocket. I find myself thinking "Stop the world I want to get off." One comfort is I know I am not alone, I know life feels out of control at one point in everyone's life, or most everyone. I am sure there are those who can keep it together and control all situations but I ain't one of them. At times situations control me for a bit then I grab it from the clutches of the abyss and take it back. So I will continue to carry on and keep one foot in front of the other or one knee if I am crawling instead of walking. It is the ability to keep moving forward in the face of obstacles that keeps me from totally giving up and just sitting in the muck and never working my way out. So onward and forward with life blah around me is how I will forge ahead.

Life can be hard

So have you ever had something happen in life that just throws you for a loop. And has it happened more than once, not the same thing but something that just throws you for a loop. Life is like that, there are so many ups and downs that at times my stomach is sick from the quick downs. But the way to deal with these times is to take it one step at a time. Know that it will pass but you will learn from it and grow from it. At least that has been my past experience so hopefully as I continue to deal with the latest loop causer I will learn and grow from it.

going crazy

Don't you ever feel like you are going crazy! Life around you swirls and twists till you don't know which way you are going. I do not know how I keep it together at times. I keep thinking when will it stop. It seems like I relax and think maybe progress is being made then boom something comes up and smacks me in the face. Will it ever be like this, I am so tired of it all. I don't know if I can do it anymore, no I am not talking about taking my life but of continuing to deal with what the situation is. Too just cut my loses and run. I just don't know if I have the strength to continue on. Right now I will not make changes or go a different path but who knows down the line what I will do, what choice I will make. Just keep things even keel for now.

long long time

It has been a year since I blogged but what a year. I have been writing, poems, journals, began two stories. I have dealt with some intense pain and hurt and anger this year for what someone did to me. I do not know how I will get through it but I know I will one way or another. I am just beginning to face it and deal with it and I have been an emotional roller coaster. In and out like the waves, swirling, at times deep and dark, a place that no one should be in. Yet there are times it is light all around, where everyone likes to be. But alas I do not stay that high for long. I am usually somewhere over the the middle line nearer to the dark side then the light side. It is a dark that can be oppressive but somehow I have to believe that it will get better. But I wonder is hope for fools? Time will tell if this is true or not.