Emotions and living life

I am going to my brother in law's funeral and it will be very emotional for all attending. The pain and sorrow are unmeasurable yet there will be laughter as we remember this wonderful man. Can you imagine being someone who does not let themselves experience emotions of any kind? Who believes it is better to just ignore that messy stuff. What a sad way to live, I would rather experience pain, sorrow and all those sad emotions. If let myself go through those then on the plus side I am open to experience joy, love, laughter and all those positive emotions. To just stuff it all down makes one a very bitter unhappy person. The hurtful things that happen to us just don't go away. They come out somewhere in ones life. Life is too short to not experience all the emotional mess that comes with it. How can one truly enjoy themselves if they are on guard all the time? I want to be remembered as someone who cried, laughed and truly loved those around her. To not hold onto old hurts so that I miss how on the present. That word has a double meaning-it can right now but it also is another word for gift. Each day is a gift, open it up and experience what the present has to offer. We have this moment then another moment. Don't spend so much time and energy closing oneself off as to miss those moments that come. They can be happy, sad, funny, scary, angry. I want to experience all life has to offer, I want to let myself experience joy on hearing a baby's laughter or the deep sorrow that comes from an unexpected death. Laugh hysterically at my dogs antics or hide my eyes because the scary part of a movie is on. And there are those out there who might say well that is easy for her to say she has not experienced the things I have. I have experienced many of the cruel things people do to others. Painful as it was I faced those things and came out so healthy and free on the other side. And right now there is stress and pain going in my life that is burdensome but again life it too short to ignore the emotions that come with what is going on now as well as experiencing the positive things. We only have now, this moment.

Another loss

A beloved brother in law died on Sunday. He was married to my sister for 37 years. He left behind kids, grandkids and a sister. He was a wonderful man who left an awesome legacy in his family. He is truly missed and we are all in shock, numb and devastated. Does not seem real and I can picture his so clearly in my mind, can hear his voice. I can not imagine what my sister is going through, knowing the man who she loved and adored and who loved and adored her is never coming home, will never share a meal with her again, hold her hand, make her laugh. It is like a nightmare yet we are all awake and living it. Right now my mind is just too numb to really write anymore than this except tell those you love that you love them. Hold fast to each of them. Life is short and can end so unexpectedly just like it did with my brother in law.

Blue Angels and freedom

This weekend there is an airshow going on in Idaho Falls. The Blue Angels will be performing. Yesterday, Friday, they were practicing in the skies overhead. They are amazing to watch as they go through their maneuvers and leave contrails in their wake. I am reminded of the phrase that jets are the sound of freedom. I agree with that, in those jets are dedicated military pilots are serve a mission. To protect this nation and keep Americans safe. Jets fly from airfields and aircraft carriers. My first husband was in the Air Force and we were stationed in New Mexico and lived on the base. Throughout the day one could hear the jets and to me there is a security in that sound. So many take for granted the freedom and security these jets to provide and it is not just the pilots that are dedicated to protect this nation and keep us safe. There are also soldiers who train to fight on the front lines. There are the seaman stationed on ships that protect our shores. There are those who do not approve or agree with the military, I say take the time to talk to these dedicated men and women and hear the sacrifices they make, the sacrifices their families make, the honor in which they serve and you will get a new perspective. I truly believe there is peace through strength and this strength comes from the hundreds of years of service by men and women in the armed forces. The honor is which they have and continue to serve is without measure and equal in this great country of ours.

The Beginning of My Memoir

I am the 5th child of 11 children born to my parents. 8 girls and 3 boys, 2 of those girls were twins. My dad was in the Air Force and we did not live in one place longer than 5 years. I was born in Japan but we left when I was not even 3 years old. I do not remember much but I have glimpses of images from living there. We had 2 black birds we named Heckel and Jeckel after the cartoon characters. I have images of fields around where we lived. Don't know how accurate this memory is but when I see pictures of rural areas of Vietnam it reminds of where we were in Japan.

I was born May 5, 1958 which was originally Boys' Day in Japan but had been changed to Children"s Day in 1948. However even when I was born boys held a greater importance than girls. My dad told me one time my older brother, child #4 and 2 years older than me, had wandered off and he went looking for him. He found him at a local's house being treated like a king because he was a boy. My mom was in the hospital all weekend in labor with me. Monday afternoon the doctor figured it was going to be a while longer so he went for dinner. That is when I decided to make my entrance into the world and they barely got the doctor back in time. Even back then I did things my own way and that has not changed.

Friend Numero Uno

Big Heart of Art - 1000 Visual Mashups

I have two BFFs, The first one is Ann, I have known her for over a decade. She is such a fun person. We are similar in some ways but so different in others. She is loyal and listens when I am in a bad spot. She is a dedicated and responsible person and that is one thing we have in common. She works hard and plays hard. She does not concern herself with what others think. She was my maid of honor at my wedding almost 2 years ago, there have been bar hopping times with her, drunken nights and she threw an awesome bachelorette party for me, hiring a driving service so no one had to drive. We met in college in Arizona but we have both moved to other places and we may not talk for awhile but that connection is always there.



My other BFF is Angela. She is such a funny person and we share the same type of humor and likes in comedy. I met her when I lived in Arizona where I worked and boy we were laughing all the time. She is also a loyal person who stands up for those she loves. She speaks her mind and does not care what others think. Her and I have shared many ups and downs of our lives.



I noticed one similarity between me and both of my BFFs is we all speak our minds and don't care what others think. My view you either like me or you don't, I am not gonna change who I am just for someone to like me. I have great friends and family who do love and like me just as I am.

Dreams and such

I took a nap today, that is one of the perks of being unemployed. I would like to find a job, I am looking but I am now living in a small town so the pickins are slim. Ah but I digress. My nap today I had a dream. Weird images, which is normal but one part I remember is talking to my dad on the phone and him telling me that there was a 5K coming up next year that I needed to run in, that all the other winners would be running in it. Winners of what I have no idea and as for my dad, he died over this past Memorial Weekend. I awoke thinking about me running in a 5K, first I have never been a runner, second I am out of shape and overweight. HMM maybe I should see what should be done to train for a 5K and just do it. Maybe the dream was telling me to get out of my comfort zone and stretch myself physically. Something I have done in the past and am not as overweight as I was a few years ago but the stretching myself more physically would be running. I tell people I will run if I am being chased but otherwise I walk. So I think I will look into what it takes to train for a 5K and just do it. Why not, it is not like I have a job to go to right now.

The Worst Teacher I Ever Had

Stairwell geometry

The worst teacher I ever had was in high school. It was my sophomore year and I had to take Geometry. The teacher's name was Mr Rockwell and first off he had a creepy habit of talking to you while looking at someone else. Also if anyone went to him for any kind of help on the lesson his response was "you did not try hard enough" and that was that. He would teach the lesson in front of the whole class but never gave any individual help to students who just could not grasp what was being taught. Luckily my dad knew this stuff but I still squeaked by with a C.

My Question In Need of an Honest Answer

Question Mark

HMMM think, think, think as Pooh would say. What question would I ask? That's a toughie, at least it is to me because it would depend on who and what I was going to ask. Would an honest answer be what they think I want to hear or would it be truly their honest answer regardless if I wanted to hear it or not. I can come up with a simple question like calling my daughters in Phoenix and asking is it hot there today and being summer I know the honest answer would be "DUH yea it is". But let's just suppose that no matter what I ask I will get an honest answer I better make sure my question is one I want to get an honest answer for.

My dad

My dad died over Memorial Weekend and today I am missing him so very much. He turned 80 years old the beginning of May. He was not a great man and at times not a very nice man. He was not the best of fathers but he did the best with what he knew. He was an intelligent man who spent 20 years in the Air Force retiring as a Major. I use the word retiring very loosely. My dad never really retired. He was always involved in something. In the Air Force he worked on many different things including the Gemini and Mercury flights. While in the service he took us on wonderful vacations. And when I mean us I mean us 11 kids. I come from a big family. He also volunteered with sheriff's departments wherever we/he lived. When he retired from the service, he worked for Rockwell international as a sales man but he also helped get radio stations started. He served as a state representative, became a priest and worked with the Civil Air Patrol. All this after he retired. I was honored to have him perform the ceremony when I remarried almost 2 years ago. He was conservative in politics and we shared that in common. Often sending emails back and forth on the subject of politics. He was a patriotic man. He was also into computers while in the military and this is when they filled up rooms and spit out those punch cards. He would bring boxes home for us and we would use them, He never lost this love for computers. He also was an electrical engineer. Oh yeah he was also a member of Mensa and the NRA. He also spent decades tracing our ancestry through both his side and my mom's even though they divorced after 30+ years of marriage. My parents got along and I know it was for the sake of us kids, not wanting us to have to choose sides. Every family party and function they were both there and there were never any issues with it. In fact there were very courteous of each other and still had a connection, they shared 11 kids and alot of life together. My mom has been visibly affected by his death. They shared the same memories of our travels, of us kids and all the years they were married. He was buried with full military honors at the Veteran's cemetery in the state he live in. When he died he left 11 kids, 40 grandchildren and 20 great grandchildren. This man has left a legacy that spans the world. He is missed by us all and by his friends and the people whose lives he touched. My dad died over Memorial Weekend and today I am missing him very much

Tough Love

Tough love with others is hard to do especially when it is our children. I had to be that way with my oldest when she almost 19. It was not easy and we barely spoke for about 2 years. But she turned her life around and is now a productive adult. So now I am facing it with my third child, the baby of the family and my only son. He is floundering and has no drive or direction. His step father and I have been very supportive and helpful but nothing is helping. Now he is making some bad choices and we can't tolerate it anymore. Basically will give him a couple of months to get the help he needs and get at least a part time job or he is out. That is scary because he has no where else to go but I have to get tough. He has such a negative attitude joined with that attitude of entitlement that is amid the young today. I love my son very much but I can't do this anymore. My husband has been so patient and loving all this time. He already knew this needed to be done but he also knew I needed to come to this realization on my own. As you noticed I mentioned my oldest and youngest but not my second child, the middle one, a daughter. I never had to do that with her, she has been working since she was 16 and bought her own place at 20 years old. She is very responsible and dependable. She has never expected anyone to hand her anything. She saw me support and take of the three of them for 14 years by myself and even in the roughest of times I carried on and did what I knew I needed to. Now where was their dad you might be asking. He was good about always paying child support but he was not around in their lives much. He was busy with his wife and step daughter and just did not have time for them. I think it is slowly starting to change and I hope it does. I have always wanted him to be a part of their lives, I knew it was important. My husband, who I have been married to for less than 2 years has been more of a dad to them. He is a good man, a hardworking man who is very caring and kind. So back to where this started, tough love is not an easy thing to do but there are times it is very necessary especially for the growth and maturity of our children. Yet I understand it could have not affect on him and he could end up being homeless however that is his choice, he is 21 years old and needs to get himself on a healthier path. I am glad I have my husband for love and support and patience cuz this is going to be so difficult to do. I also know I am not alone, there are other parents who have had to get tough with their children and knowing that will also give me strength that I need to do what needs to be done.

Weekend Writing Challenge: Sometimes We Fight

Beatles vs Rolling Stones

Paul Is The Cutest!



It is the late 1960's and two sisters are listening to music.



"It was twenty years ago today. Sgt Pepper taught the band to play” fills the room. Jane and Amy begin swaying to the music.



“Remember when they were on the Ed Sullivan show a few years ago?” asks Amy



“Yeah” answers Jane “I was getting my pajamas on when I heard their name on the TV and I screamed even though daddy said not to.”



They start dancing to the music on the green shag carpet in their room. They love the Beatles.



“John is so cute” says Amy



“Paul’s the cutest” shoots back Jane



“Nu uh, John’s cuter”



“You’re stupid”



“Well you’re a dumbo head”



The girls squabble back and forth not realizing how loud they are getting till they hear their door open. It is daddy.



“Young ladies, you need to settle down in here. It is time to go to bed.”



“Yes daddy” they both say and quiet down as he leaves the room.



Amy says quietly as she gets her pj's on "You are a dodo head cuz John is the cutest."



"You're a dodo head Paul is cuter." Jane says as she gets ready for bed.



"Amy & Jane, I don't want to hear another word." dad yells from the living room.



"Ok daddy, we're sorry." Jane and Amy chirp together



They climb into bed and as they fall asleep Jane whispers



"Paul is the cutest."

Downtown Kodiak, Alaska, 1965

A Puzzling Case in Alaska



It was a clear day, the sun hung high in the sky, reminding the residents of this small town it would be awhile till nightfall. Officers Phil Smith and Jim Miller were on a puzzling case. it was one that had been going on for days on end and there seemed to be no end in sight. It is the case of where to go for lunch



"Well where we doing for lunch?" Phil asked



"I dunno," Jim answered



"i decided yesterday" Phil responded "So it is your turn today."



"I don't care, how about Joe's Seafood Hut?" Jim answered



"That is where we went yesterday."



"Well then how about Judy's Diner?"



"I ate there for breakfast."



'How about Frank's Bar & Grill?"



"Nah, I told Susie I'd take her there tonight."



"Well Phil that doesn't leave us too many more choice. We have Bob's Broiler and Maggie's Moose Burger and Pie Shoppe."



"HMM. let me think on it. Some pie would be nice and Maggie does make the best in town."



"Well gosh darn it Phil, this is so puzzling."



"Yes Jim this is puzzling. Where to go for lunch."



Officers Phil and Jim are perplexed by this puzzling case of where to go for lunch. Will they find a solution? Will they just decide to skip lunch? Will they remember they brought their lunches with them..

Music and how it fits in life.

I have loved music as long as I can remember. I like most kinds. My MP3 player is loaded with all sorts. Country, rock, pop, Christian, etc. I tend to gravitate to an artist as opposed to a particular genre. Think of how movies and TV shows use music that captures the emotion of what is happening at that time and while there is not music playing in the background as we go through life it still is a part of life-at least for my life. A song can spark a memory that was filed away. Once that memory surfaces then I can remember other things of that time. A song can speak to where I am emotionally. A circumstance in life can bring a song line to mind that fits to what is happening including something funny. I don't know how many times when my kids were little that we put music on loud and sang and danced around the house. Music has always filled my house and my car and my work. In fact as I type this I have my ear buds in listening to The Fray and the song "How to Save A Life" is playing and there is a lot of emotion in it. The words how to save a life does not even necessarily mean keeping someone from dying. It could be keeping someone from leaving school or when someone is hurting from a breakup. To be with a person during those times and walking through it with them. Encouraging and listening and sometimes just sitting quietly with them. Music is a part of life that I believe is important. Think of going to a summer camp and sitting around the campfire singing songs. Music is played at weddings, receptions, parties and even funerals. Songs are chosen for each of these events with care and consideration. In the cases of weddings and funerals songs are picked that are special and have so much meaning. "Fly" by Celine Dion was played at my 16 month old grandson's memorial while pictures of him were shown. My husband and I danced to "Breathe" by Faith Hill, that is our song. Even now when I listen to that song I am amazed at how blessed I am to have someone love and adore me as much as he does. And there have been so many other songs that have significance in the road of my life and I know that this will be as I continue down the road of my life. Music fits into my life and I am glad because boy otherwise it would be fairly dull.

The World Would Be a Better Place If...

Smiling face

HMM how can this be answered. What one person thinks would work another would not. So I can write I think would be a good idea but remember it is just my opinion. I think we all need to quit taking ourselves so seriously. Be it as a group or an individual. Life is just too short to be so serious or take ourselves so seriously and most of it is just petty crap anyway. Or maybe the world would be a better place if we ate dessert first!

Ah to sleep is divine but not for me.

I have been having a hard time sleeping last couple of nights. It is off and on throughout the night. I try not to toss and turn too much as to wake my husband up. It seems to come in cycles so I know this will eventually stop happening. For awhile at least. And of course one would think that I would then sleep later the next morning but I don't let myself. I get up by 9 and get myself and my dogs out walking. We do a couple of miles then it is home and I keep myself busy. My hope is that I will then sleep that night. So far it has not worked for the past two nights.
But I will persevere and not get frustrated or down about it. Just keep doing the positive things I have been doing. Oh yea and when I do manage to sleep I have weird vivid dreams that wake me up. My mind never stops thinking or working or whatever. It is constantly going and those times I do sleep through the night I can dream so actively that I wake up the next morning feeling like I have not slept at all. I can remember bits and pieces and when I describe them to my husband he says I have the weirdest dreams ever. And I know it is said everyone dreams but there are those who just don't remember they did. Not me I dream every night and remember I do. I can tag bits and pieces, or sometimes remember most of it or sometimes none of it but I always know I dreamed! I just know there has to be others like me when it comes to dreams and knowing one dreams every night.

Exploring my new town.

Today I took our dogs, Heather and Lucy to the Greenbelt trail by the Snake River. We did the 2 mile loop and it was so beautiful. I cannot believe I get to live near such beauty. It was hard leaving San Diego but I am so thankful to be living here in such a gorgeous setting. I had never been here before but people who had lived here kept telling me I would love it. And boy they were right. Of course it is summer and I haven't had to deal with winter yet. But I am sure I will grow to love it and hopefully acquire at least one outdoor activity. These past almost 3 years since I met Dennis, then married him and have relocated twice in less than 2 of those years has had its ups and downs. I would be lying if I said it had all been peachy keen. I have faced quite a few major stressors in my life and so of course there will be times I will just not be pleasant to live with. But I am blessed to have a husband who loves me and understands or tries to understand when those times happen. So as I explore more of where I live I do it with eager anticipation of discovering other wonders around here as I did today.

My Favorite Quote of All Time

I have two favorite quotes. One is by Abraham Lincoln



"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power"



As to why. I admire a person who walks upright and with integrity and does not compromise themselves or their beliefs no matter the circumstances.



The other quote is from Michael J Fox's book "Always Looking Up"



"So, sure, it may be one step forward and two steps back, but after a

time with Parkinson's, I've learned that what is important is making

that one step count; always looking up."



It is important to make that one step count, to not beat your self up over the two steps back, no matter the circumstances. I have faced some dire circumstances myself and have always found myself striving to live this way even before I read his book and found this awesome quote.

Creepy neighbor

Ugh we have this creepy weird neighbor in our apartment complex. It is not a very big one and he lives across the parking lot about 2 units down and each unit only has 4 apartments. One time I was out walking my dogs and he stopped to pet them. He smelled and looked like he could be homeless. Both my son and I have seen him and a young friend checking out our bikes, that we have locked up. I thought moving to a small town would get us away from that shit but I guess Miss Jane Marple is right, human nature is the same no matter where one goes. So I will keep a watch out for the creepy guy and stay away from him. Also if he tries to come up to pet my dogs I am doing to get Heather all barking and growling at him. She is a protective dog of her home and her people. I have had creepy neighbors when I lived in Phoenix but that was because a lady that lived on the street near me took up with creepy perverts. Seriously, she was attracted to men with pedophile tendencies. The only one that wasn't she broke off with him and basically her reasons come down to hmm, he was too normal and didn't attempt to molest your children like the other men you have brought into your home. Why do women put up with that shit, are some so desperate that they will overlook anything? I will admit I got involved with a real loser sociopath for a couple of months. My kids were grown so they weren't around and all I got taken for was wounded pride. Thank goodness. Gosh sometimes people ignore their gut instinct and that is what I did with this guy, if I had paid attention I would have listened to my friends telling me the truth about him. Oh well we learn for our mistakes. Shortly after that I met the man I am now married too and he is so different then that sociopath, and let me tell you he was. I read about it and he fit the criteria for sure. Like I said I am lucky that all I got taken for was wounded pride. I look back now and slap my head and say I could've had a V8. :)

If I Could Relive Any Day of My Life

I would go back and relive the day my grandson died. I would spend every last second of the day at the hospital with him, my daughter (his mommy), my other daughter and my son. Just the four of us in his hospital room just as it was the four of us who cared for him for 16 months.

Concerts and missing family

Right now I am listening to Lifehouse's "Smoke & Mirrors." I saw them in concert on May 1 in San Diego with my sister, Brenda. They opened for Chris Daughtry and it was a fantastic concert. I have seen them twice and they are fantastic group. I have listened to their music for a long time and like the growth that is apparent. Their last CD "Who We Are" is my favorite but I am really liking this new one. Also I have both of Chris Daughtry's CD and really like his music. But back to the concert, it was a beautiful May night and while the concert was inside knowing beautiful San Diego weather waited outside was wonderful. It was my last night in San Diego, we were moving to Idaho in June but I was leaving the next day because my dad was in the hospital. Brenda and her son Chase came into town Friday evening and Saturday during the day we went to Mission Beach for a few hours then the concert that night. It was a great way to spend my last day in San Diego. And it was great to go with Brenda. Her and I have been to a few and I will miss being able to do that with her. I miss being so close to my family in Phoenix, knowing they were just a quick drive away. I missed it when my sister, Eileen and her family went to San Diego in June for a week when we were already in Idaho. Or when my nephew, Wesley and his wife, DeserRai came to catch a plane for their new home in Alaska. I miss being able to pop over to visit my mom in Yuma overnight. But most of all I especially miss my daughters, Sarah and Melissa. They are still in Phoenix and being much farther away is so hard. When we were in San Diego we could pop over to Phoenix for a long weekend or they could come to San Diego. Mother's Day 2009 we had all met in Yuma and spent the weekend with my mom. I miss going to chick flicks or hanging out all night just talking or spending the day by the pool. I miss knowing they were so close that if they needed me I could get to them quickly.

Oh My, This Is Awkward

Lynne very rarely wore dresses to school but she decided today she would. It was a pretty dress that her mom had made for her. She walked over to the bus stop and her friends loved her new dress. But they still teased her about wearing a dress instead of pants. All through the morning Lynne felt pretty and feminine. At lunch she sat with her friends and was chattering away when another friend came over and whispered to Lynne that her dress was up in the back showing her underwear. Lynne quickly brushed her dress down making light of it but inside she was embarrassed.

The Scariest Moment Came When

Debby laid in bed slowly falling asleep and in her dozing state she had the feeling someone was watching her. As she struggled to wake up it felt like that someone was standing right beside the bed. She knew if she reached out she would be able to touch whoever was standing there. As she became more awake she could feel her heart pounding and her breaths coming slow and shallow. Her mouth was dry from the fear. "Look over, look over" she kept telling herself. She kept waiting for a hand to touch her as it felt like eyes were burning into the back of her head. She slowly turned her head towards the intruder and opened her eyes but there was no one standing there.

Job interviews and all that fun stuff

Living in Idaho Falls is relatively new. Just moved here a month ago. It is gorgeous and I am enjoying it. But the absolute fun part is looking for a job. Going through want ads and searching for the ones I am qualified for or in some cases overqualified. It is not easy because I am in my 50's and I think that might make it harder to secure employment. I don't know that for sure and it may be I am still "young" enough to slide into a position. It is hard to know the mindset of employers. Starting over is not easy and it is the second time I have done it in less than 2 years. Oh so much fun. I am enjoying not working and I am blessed to get unemployment while I am not working because the reason I had to quit my job in San Diego was to relocate for my husband's new job. I am very thankful for it or my stress level would be very extreme. However I do want to work and so I am diligent about looking and following up with resumes I have submitted. I have had one interview and another scheduled for next week. This second one is less than a mile from our place so that would be sweet. But I will look to God and know He will provide me with a wonderful job. Still does not mean it is not stressful and can be discouraging when an interview does not pan out. I am just trying to keep a right mindset through this process and enjoy my time not working. And in this economy things can be tougher when it comes to looking for a job. So it is onward in my quest for a job and I will not give up.

The Most Confusing Part of Life Is...

What day is it? All aspects of life can be confusing. Not at one time but different aspects throughout this ride called life. There are ups, downs, sharp turns, and all it has points of confusion. So I cannot pick one part as being the one that confuses me the most.

Just a poem

Here is a poem I have been working on for awhile. I don't know if it is done yet.

Be Still
To be still in the Lord is to be quiet with hope.
Believe and trust He is who He says He is.
Let the clutter and noise around fade away.
Be still and know He is God.
I can only see what is around me but God sees it all.
My life is a tapestry sewn by the hand of my loving Father.
He sees all pieces past, present and future.
I need to be still and have hope in God.
I will trust even if things seem impossible.
God loves to work in the seemingly impossible.
He delights in amazing His sons and daughters.
I will choose to be still and know that He is God.

HIking, dreams and hangovers

Yesterday was the Fourth of July and our first one in Idaho. Fireworks were done Saturday night because this year the 4th fell on Sunday. Why that mattered don't know but that is the way it was done. So we decided to take the dogs hiking after not getting up till noon. So it was 4 by the time we started hiking but it does not get dark till 9 so that was plenty of time. It was a wonderful hike and we were high up above the Snake River and got some awesome pictures. There was a creek that wove among the trail which gave the dogs places to take a drink break. We had brought water for them but we forgot a bowl. It was a mile and a half, a perfect amount to begin getting back into this stuff. After wards we came home and made dinner. We also had alcohol drinks, which we do not do much of. Neither of us drank too much but the food is another matter. Too much good food and of course ate too much. So all night long I had the weirdest dreams, the most bizarre dreams. The part I remember is that my kids went to this other world or dimension or something like that. Also I was in the military and was gonna marry this retired older man-well about my age but older compared to Dennis. Anyway Timothy came back from this other world/dimension the same as when he went. There were so many other things and I just remember bits and pieces of it. And I kept waking up and going back to sleep, over and over. I was glad when I finally woke up for good but I felt like I had a hangover which I know was from the food. Finally after being up for over an hour I am feeling sorta normal but I feel fuzzy, in a cloud. UGH it will be an interesting day for sure. This is a rambling mess of writing so I am gonna stop, just stop writing otherwise I can just go on and on.

Loss of all kinds

Loss is something that is a part of our lives. There are many different kinds of lose some devastating like the death of a loved one and some small like losing a favorite stuffed animal. We can go a long time without experiencing one and then they can seem to come all at once. I am going through that period right now. Seem to be bombarded with big and small losses left and right. And it seems like it will never let up or I can grieve each loss separately. They are just piled on top of each other. And most are huge ones. Moving, leaving grown children behind, father dying and now, barring a miracle, having to get rid of beloved pets. All this is just the past few months. I am trying to stay positive and not let it get me so down that I want to do nothing more than pull the covers over my head, never coming out. I know that is not right to do and so far I have not done it, though there was a day I did it but that was the day of dad's funeral that I was unable to go to. We had just moved 900 miles away and could not afford for me to go back. I was with him when he died and I am glad I got to be there for that. Oh on top of this all I have to find a job in this new place we have moved to. I am homesick for San Diego even though was there less then 2 years. I never felt that way about Phoenix where I lived for 16 years. I miss living there, the relaxed feel of the city, sunset on the beach and it was near most of my family. Too much going on right now and don't know how much more I will be able to handle but I am working on it and trying to get a right focus. Keep looking up as I move forward.