Homesick

I have lived in Idaho since June and it still does not feel like home, not one little bit. I miss my family and friends. I especially miss my daughters. I have prayed and am positive about living here but still nothing. I want to move back to Phoenix but his job is here and unless he can get one there then Idaho is where we stay. Also coming here meant he was near his daughter but now her mom and her are moving out of state so what the heck!! I was at peace with coming here because he could build a relationship with his daughter but with the move she will still come visit but she could visit us just as well in Phoenix as she can here. I did not want to talk to Dennis how I felt but a friend encouraged me to and I did but I don't feel it cleared the air much. Like there is something hanging but I have said what I feel is what I needed so it is now up to him. I am not saying we would move tomorrow we both have commitments to jobs and financially we can't afford it now plus there is the fact he needs to have a job there for us to go. So for now here we stay and I will get through it. I have to look to God and allow His will to be done even if it means staying here.

well I am exhausted. Working long long days at work this past week have taken their toll and while it only after 11 on a Saturday I am ready to lay my head on my pillow and go into dream world.

Busy Week

It has been a busy week, a busy month in fact. I work in finance and so have year end stuff to do besides normal stuff for the month. But boy do my days fly. I love what I do and where I work. I am blessed with my job. It was hard moving to a new area and finding a job this past June especially I had just done that less than 2 years ago when I married my husband. I joked that aren't young folks supposed to be the ones that pick up and move constantly. Hopefully this is it for at least awhile. Many changes have happened in my life these past 4 years. These have also happened in my kids lives as well. But the only constant in life is change but it can be stressful. It is funny how there are articles on cutting stress out of ones life whereas I think the key is learning how to handle stress in a positive way. Stress is gonna happen, well at least in my life, I am learning to handle it. I am not always successful but sometimes I am. One of my favorite quotes is from Michael J Fox's book "Always Looking Up"

"So, sure, it may be one step forward and two steps back, but after a time with Parkinson's, I've learned that what is important is making that one step count; always looking up."

One can substitute Parkinson's for whatever they are facing in their lives and while it might not be something serious as Parkinson's, a person can only deal with what they experience. So I will strive to also make that one step count and always looking up.

LIfe

I moved to Idaho Falls with my husband who accepted a good job with a company doing what he did for 20 years in the Navy and liked doing. A bonus is his daughter lives here so he would get to see and spend time with her. And they have been and that is fantastic. I was okay with moving here because I wanted him to have a chance to get close to his daughter as I am close to my kids. But this next summer it appears she will be moving to the Seattle area. Her grandparents bought a house there, sold theirs here and are going. Her mom says she has a good job offer there and is also moving. So now it has me wondering what was the purpose for all the emotional upheaval in my life and my daughters lives if his daughter is just moving away. I miss my girls so much it hurts. When I first moved here I wanted so badly to go back to San Diego but ever since I went to Phoenix at Christmas time I realized that is my home and I am homesick. I was trying not to tell Dennis how I felt because I know he loves his job. I don't want him to carry guilt around for taking me away from my family but finally I told him because he felt like I was keeping something from him. He said he knows I feel that way, he can tell. Oh let's add in the fact that this winter has been so dreary, the sun is so fleeting and I am coming down with the winter blues. When I come home from work I just want to crawl under the covers but I don't. Staying motivated is hard to do and wanting to write is a chore. UGH I know winter will pass and the sunshine will come again but right now the blues have settled in for the rest of this winter and I have to live with it.

Sometimes

Sometimes I would love to have a blog somewhere that I could write anything and no one would know it was me. To just be able to vomit emotions, feelings, whatever out in total anonymity would be great. I don't know if anyone else ever feels that way and maybe someday I will do that but no one I know would ever know it was me so I would feel safe writing whatever I wanted. But then again would I want anyone ever reading those most dark or deep things about myself and what I think or feel. Are there somethings better left unknown except to myself. Are those dark areas better left unsaid to others. Are those things too private for the light of day? Those dark areas are behind closed doors and is it better to leave them there. I open those doors for myself but not to share with others. So this is something I will think on and decide what to do however I will not reveal whether I do it or not.

A New Year

A new year has dawned upon the earth. 2011 started out as 1-1-11 positive looking numbers so hopefully things will fair well this year. 2010 was a hard year emotionally for many people I know including my family and I. There were deaths, moving, health, finances encountered by loved ones. It was a painful year but hopefully through the pain comes growth. I know as I faced each hardship my strength and faith increased. While things seemed to come one after another I held onto God through it all. Oh don't get me wrong, I questioned Him, was angry at Him, at times even just ignored Him and wallowed in the pain and heartbreak. However I know God can handle all that and loves me through it all. I love the Psalms because many start out with the writer questioning why things are going on but then come around to praising their Creator. Also the book of Job was full of heartbreak and hardships. Job questioned but never cursed God and in the end praised Him and his faith grew. I have a positive hope for this year and even if there are more painful hardships to be faced my prayer is I will remain faithful and stand strong on my heavenly Father.

Today as I was doing my morning devotion I asked God to reveal an area of my life where I needed my faith and trust in Him to increase. So many people prayer for complete faith and trust in every area of their lives all at one time. I find that overwhelming and defeating. So by focusing on just one area will keep me from feeling like such a failure. My walk with Him is a progression where I can take two steps forward but three back but there are times I take more forward then I take backwards. God is constantly perfecting me and I will come to complete perfection when I am with Him in heaven. So I will focus on the area God lays on my heart to focus on and know through Him I will have victory.