Life just goes on

So life just goes on with not a lot changing. I am trying to have a better attitude and work with my husband not against him in things going on. It can be hard because after awhile I get tired of being around my step daughter but it is what it is. I need to just keep the focus that this really will not last forever. That eventually she will graduate high school and hopefully go to college. Just like hopefully my own son will get his act together and move out. I guess the only way to describe how I feel is resigned to how things are now. I get sad when I think of living so far away from my daughters. I feel lonely but I know only I can do something about that. Of course it is really hard right now, we had planned to go back home for graduations but just could not swing it right now. I know it was the right thing to postpone the trip till later but I am still sad and down about it. However I need to get myself up because I know my husband fears he will come home one day and find I have packed up and left. That is not me and who I am to ditch my responsibilities and commitments but he still has that fear. I need to start looking ahead, when the days are nice I try to get out walking with the dogs. So life just goes on with not a lot changing but I am working on a better attitude about it.

Something if your own kid notices

It is hard living in a house with someone who can't be trusted. My step daughter is that person which makes her so much more unlikable. But I give myself props for trying to like her and acting that way. I am basically a nice person so I will act out of that instead of being surly. I have my limit, my husband works rotating shift work so there are times I am taking her back and forth to school 4 days a week by the end of the fourth day I have reached my limit. Thank goodness school is almost over!! I am also tired of having to adjust my work schedule around it. I know I am pissing and moaning but today was just something. I caught her in a lie, we had asked if she had seen my son's towel that he has had for years, even describing it and she said she did not know but I had my suspicions. So I checked her laundry basket and low and behold there it was. When I asked her she played dumb and the oh I didn't know that was it. Geez she is almost 15 years old give me a break. My husband doesn't really want to hear it and he tried to say I know she is irresponsible. I said no she is a liar and rude and disrespectful to him. That is another bone of contention, she can be bossy, manipulative and disrespectful in how she treats and talks to him and he says nothing. Don't get me wrong I know teenagers can do that but this is on a regular basis even when he just asks her a simple question or helps her with her homework. My own son mentioned how much he notices it and if he does then you know it is bad because sometimes he is in his own world. He also said he is getting tired of being blamed for stuff she does. Like this candle that she gave me, it matched a bathroom perfectly so I put it in there but it has since disappeared. I know she took it but my husband tried to say that maybe my son did and all I could say is why would he. He tried to say that maybe he gave it to his girlfriend, I said he would not do that. If he wanted to give her a candle he would go buy one not take one sitting on the counter in the bathroom. By the way my son is a putz and I told him that tonight but I said when he gets his life together he won't be a putz anymore. I am disgusted with him also and he best get it together for sure. So I am not a parent that thinks my kid's shit don't think I just know he has more class than that. But at least he is working but he talks of stuff he wants to do but so far no follow through. AHHH stop the world I want to get off!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooo thankful for my job, it is the only sanity in this out of control roller coaster I feel like I am on. I also miss my husband and I, my son also mentioned that we don't do much together anymore. Again if he notices it then you know it's an issue. I trying to roll with the punches but it is hard, I miss us!! I want to be selfless and not selfish but not an easy task to do especially when we were always doing things together and I miss that. I miss the romance and intimacy we shared, it is lessening for sure. I understand that yes we have a kid in the house again but he tends to put her above our marriage and that scares me. Ugh well it is late and I have to get up early for work.

When it is quiet

As long as I keep busy the emptiness and homesickness do not intrude but when I take the time to be quiet it all comes rushing back. I don't want to keep feeling this way. The feeling of no matter what where I live now will never be home. My husband told me the other day how scared he is that one day he will come home from work and I will have packed up and left. I said to him that is not me so I don't see that happening, I have always been too dependable and reliable for that. And in addition I can't imagine being anywhere without him. And yes there is a but which is down the road I would like us to look into moving back to AZ or CA-specifically the San Diego area. I want to be near my family and friends again. However I do know jobs factor into this and him being able to get one in either of those two places may not be likely. So I just try to keep busy and not think about it or let myself slow down any to let how I feel intrude into my life. It does not good, it just causes me to be snappy and tense and angry. But I am so unhappy here, I have no friends and sometimes I honestly don't want to make new friends. I miss the friends I already have. I so miss my family and am missing out on so much with them. And then I feel so selfish because we do have so much here-we love our jobs and a beautiful house together but I want this all to be where home is and so far it ain't here. We have been here almost one year and it feels no where near like home. I will carry on and do what I need to on a daily basis but inside I feel like I am dying a little bit at a time. In addition step parenting is one of those things in life I could have foregone and not felt like I was missing out on anything. I care about my stepdaughter cuz she is my husband's daughter but as a person she is not likable though I am making a greater effort to try to find something about her that is likable. To make things less tense around here on my side of things. I love my husband very much so I will do it for him. Most days I do alright but there are some that I just can't stand having her around. And to be fair there are times I feel like that about my own son. I think out of the four kids in our lives I am living with the two I like least or don't like at all. I miss being near my own daughters, sharing in their lives, hanging with them. I want to go home and this place is not my home.