When it is quiet

As long as I keep busy the emptiness and homesickness do not intrude but when I take the time to be quiet it all comes rushing back. I don't want to keep feeling this way. The feeling of no matter what where I live now will never be home. My husband told me the other day how scared he is that one day he will come home from work and I will have packed up and left. I said to him that is not me so I don't see that happening, I have always been too dependable and reliable for that. And in addition I can't imagine being anywhere without him. And yes there is a but which is down the road I would like us to look into moving back to AZ or CA-specifically the San Diego area. I want to be near my family and friends again. However I do know jobs factor into this and him being able to get one in either of those two places may not be likely. So I just try to keep busy and not think about it or let myself slow down any to let how I feel intrude into my life. It does not good, it just causes me to be snappy and tense and angry. But I am so unhappy here, I have no friends and sometimes I honestly don't want to make new friends. I miss the friends I already have. I so miss my family and am missing out on so much with them. And then I feel so selfish because we do have so much here-we love our jobs and a beautiful house together but I want this all to be where home is and so far it ain't here. We have been here almost one year and it feels no where near like home. I will carry on and do what I need to on a daily basis but inside I feel like I am dying a little bit at a time. In addition step parenting is one of those things in life I could have foregone and not felt like I was missing out on anything. I care about my stepdaughter cuz she is my husband's daughter but as a person she is not likable though I am making a greater effort to try to find something about her that is likable. To make things less tense around here on my side of things. I love my husband very much so I will do it for him. Most days I do alright but there are some that I just can't stand having her around. And to be fair there are times I feel like that about my own son. I think out of the four kids in our lives I am living with the two I like least or don't like at all. I miss being near my own daughters, sharing in their lives, hanging with them. I want to go home and this place is not my home.