Just sayin'

Why do people think whatever issue they have is so horrible and insurmountable to overcome?? A genetic disorder that is treatable is not insurmountable. Dealing with the death of a loved one, especially a child, is not insurmountable. What keeps us at that point in our thinking is when we don't share with others, when we hold ourselves inside. It becomes so fearful to let others in to see who you really are because a person is afraid. I know I have been there, I lived in fear of behaviors and issues I dealt with. When I finally go help and found healing was I able to really become who I am. I like who I am, I am a devoted, loving, caring woman. I swear a little too much and I can laugh out loud at the most juvenile humor. I am responsible and dependable, people know they can count on me. I am a woman of faith who loves God but still will do things in my own strength then run into my Father's arms for help when things don't work out. I love my husband and kids fiercely and would protect them with all I have. I can dress up in fancy clothes but am more at home in a pair of jeans, tank top and flip flops. I love to read and write. History is one of fave subjects. World War II is my favorite historical era to study and read about. I have quite a few World War II books. I hate science and math. All my family is so very precious to me and I am blessed to have grown up in a large family. My sisters and I are a close group of 8 women. I also have a close group of friends that I can share anything with and I do. I have friends that I have known for over a decade and those that are new. I was also diagnosed bi polar and I take meds for it, if I didn't I would get out of control. I am overweight and can eat compulsively, I tried to explain to my husband what that meant. I could eat half a gallon of ice cream in one sitting even if I was full, I could force it down. However those things don't define me, they are a part of who I am but they don't define me. Why am I writing all this, because I am dealing with someone who thinks they are this awful person because of a genetic disorder they were diagnosed with and I have talking to them about those positives about them. Yes they need help, I have told them that but this person needs to be reminded of their value. That this diagnosis does not define them so don't let it have control over them. We are more than a diagnosis, a symptom. We are living breathing people and if we are born again we have the added bonus of being the child of the living God.

Another day

Today is another day and it went back to the way things have been. I just need to keep quiet and not say anything. I just can't get used to the let down. I came to a decision last night and will begin to do what I need to do towards that decision. I am not sure how things are going to play out in my marriage so I will take it one day at a time but with an eye on what I need to do. I know one I need to do is to close myself off to the hurt and pain. To just accepting things are the way they are without heartache. Quit saying anything, just accept, accept, accept!! No one said life is easy and this is one of those hard times and things I need to do. I have so much I can improve about myself so I will take care of that and focus on myself. Not in a selfish way but in a way that will make me healthier physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I want to be healthier so that when things fall apart I am okay on my own. And not here, this is not where I want to live so why would I stay when things go the way I think they will. So this is short because I am tired and need to get myself ready to go to bed. That is one thing I want to do is get more sleep. I have never been good at that one but it is time to start. My health needs to be important. If I know I will be working for the rest of my life then I need to be able to do it.

Brief reprieve

Quiet

I want to be quiet and keep my mouth shut
At times I feel so numb; wishing I could stay that way
I don't want to speak up about how I feel
It is better to keeping working to shut myself off
The emotions are too painful to keep feeling
When I do speak up there is a reprieve
Things improve for a day or two then back to normal
When that happens it makes the returning so much more painful
Why can't I just stay quiet and keep my mouth shut.

So this comes out of the fact I opened my mouth again. I spoke out of my pain and hurt of being rejected time after time. The cold and distant way he treats me subsides briefly when I say something. However I know it will go back to the way things have become. Back to what is now becoming normal. He wants to go to counseling but I doubt things will change. So it's better to teach myself to shut down; to grow numb. The rejection after a reprieve cuts so much deeper. I have to let go of hope and accept the way things are. I have come to believe hope is pointless and a waste of time. I need to accept that this is the way things are gonna be. So work on growing numb to it and realize this is just how things are gonna be. Oh boy does not make it easy to be positive about living here. I have been praying constantly for peace and contentment and I can feel the difference in me but this is making it hard to keep looking positive.

Thing is lately I have been missing living near the beach and so want to move back to San Diego. Live near the beach, so close that I would be able to walk to it. Well I need to get myself in a better financial position. Get to where all I would have is living expenses. Afford a small studio by the beach, get a job I can get to by bus, trolley, bike or walking. And I don't even need it to be in finance. Just something I could do to be able to live near the beach.

Well weird weather

Ok a week ago it was snowy and we had the heat on in the house. Here is is a week later and it is in the high 60's/low 70's, heat is turned off. It is weird but I am glad. I am so not ready for winter. It get too damn cold here but I am have been praying for a better mindset. It is effective and I have also been praying to die to my hopes and dreams and open up to what God has for me. That is not easy but I know it is the only way I will find peace and contentment living here. I am praying to look at things differently and with a more positive outlook. Not saying everything is peachy keen, this past month at work has been so frustrating to the point that I was thinking of looking for another job. My boss moved to Boise to open an office there and the communication has been really bad on his part. Also I don't have access to all the info I need to do my job. So he came into town this week for a couple of days and I told him how I felt and that it was to the point I was thinking of looking for another job. I don't know if things will change even though he says it will but at least he knows what I will do if it doesn't. I love my job and what I do, my co workers etc but it was very frustrating and there were other things such as I wonder if he will sell the business. I still have those concerns but I am amazed I was able to speak my mind. He has said he could not be out growing the business if I wasn't who I was. So hopefully he means that and what I said had him see what could happen if he continues being the way he has been. I really hope this is the company I stay with till I don't have to work anymore. So that was my week and how things have been. Standing up for myself and it is like a weight off my shoulders. job

It is too early

Wow this past week it snowed!! It was only Oct 6 and it was snowing. It was a 3-4 inches by the time it was done. It became so very cold. Yikes this was just way to early. That was Thursday then on Friday it was cloudy and drizzling and only got into the 40's. Then here comes Saturday and it was gorgeous!!! It was in the upper 50's, sun was shining. It was a mild and clear day. I am hoping that it was a fluke storm and it won't snow again for awhile. UGH I don't like snow but if I have to live where it snows I don't want it to start too early in the season. I am striving to have a positive attitude about living here, to look at things with a more positive mindset. Early snow does not help me in that respect but I worked hard to not let it bring me down. I want to be content and at peace with living here. It will make things so much better then being so moody and negative about it. If we are to be here for the rest of our lives then I need to have a better mindset, make friends and learn to be active in the cold winter months. So that is my goal this winter is to be more active then I was last winter, to get to the gym, get out walking and just plain get outside.