Brief reprieve

Quiet

I want to be quiet and keep my mouth shut
At times I feel so numb; wishing I could stay that way
I don't want to speak up about how I feel
It is better to keeping working to shut myself off
The emotions are too painful to keep feeling
When I do speak up there is a reprieve
Things improve for a day or two then back to normal
When that happens it makes the returning so much more painful
Why can't I just stay quiet and keep my mouth shut.

So this comes out of the fact I opened my mouth again. I spoke out of my pain and hurt of being rejected time after time. The cold and distant way he treats me subsides briefly when I say something. However I know it will go back to the way things have become. Back to what is now becoming normal. He wants to go to counseling but I doubt things will change. So it's better to teach myself to shut down; to grow numb. The rejection after a reprieve cuts so much deeper. I have to let go of hope and accept the way things are. I have come to believe hope is pointless and a waste of time. I need to accept that this is the way things are gonna be. So work on growing numb to it and realize this is just how things are gonna be. Oh boy does not make it easy to be positive about living here. I have been praying constantly for peace and contentment and I can feel the difference in me but this is making it hard to keep looking positive.

Thing is lately I have been missing living near the beach and so want to move back to San Diego. Live near the beach, so close that I would be able to walk to it. Well I need to get myself in a better financial position. Get to where all I would have is living expenses. Afford a small studio by the beach, get a job I can get to by bus, trolley, bike or walking. And I don't even need it to be in finance. Just something I could do to be able to live near the beach.