Another day

This day was a little more calm emotionally than it has been. I am just accepting what will happen knowing I have no control over it. I need to find outlets to use when I get like this. This morning I went to the gym and had a great workout. Then this afternoon went to the movies with a friend. And another is to just not think about it and at times ignore the pain and out of control feeling I have. It doesn't do any good to think or focus on it. It just brings me down, I am finding that writing it out is a good thing, a release of some sort. Of course it is usually temporary and easily overturned. Right now I feel good but who knows how tomorrow I will feel. I do wish I could just crawl into bed and pull the covers up but if I do that then my husband makes me feel antisocial or don't want to hang around him and his daughter. Oh yea there was something this morning. I came home from the gym and was taking a shower and he told me what we were going to do the rest of the day. He did not ask or suggest what we could do just told me. I told him how I felt, he said he just wanted to make sure that I did not feel left out blah blah. Are you kidding me!! I have been coming in third for quite awhile. And I agree that if his daughter lives with living where she can go to the same school as her friends will be good for her but to be honest I don't think it will be good for our marriage. That it will be better for her to live with us but I am not sure it will be better for our marriage. I will just take it one day at a time and pray my marriage does not fall apart. I love my husband but I think of what Tina Turner says, "what's love got to do with it" I used to wonder how people who say they love each other split apart but I am beginning to understand it. Who knows maybe things won't be as bad as I think and it will bring my husband and I closer. Right now I am just hanging on and taking it one day at a time.

There is no bottom

Today I cried most of the way to work and most of the way home. Life right is so pressing and I am going down into that dark pit. I have no been this down in so long. I try to pray but all there is only the cry of my heart. I know God hears that and I know He is here in this place with. Today I was so caught up in the many changes that have happened and that are going to happen and I realized God is the only one who does not change in my life. I think of the changes that I am facing and I have no control over the outcome. Choices will be made and I will once again be asked to give up something of myself. There is no one here that I can reach out and I can't talk to my husband because these changes and choices concern his daughter possibly living with us. So to talk to him would put him in the middle. Don't get me wrong, his daughter is a nice enough person and I know it would be better for her to live here but it still is a giving up of myself. All I can think is I want to go home. The only bright thing here is my job and my co-workers are great but other than that what is there about this place? Then I think of the time in San Diego and I miss the peace of the ocean. I really believed we would stay there, I truly believed that. This place we live is not me, it is only the place I live, not where I want to live. Not my home, we are looking to buy a house and maybe that will help but then we lived in an apartment in San Diego and it felt like home. I am falling fast, the light is fading and the dark is surrounding me once again, pressing in and at times suffocating. How long will I be down here, I know eventually I will come out of it and back into the light. But how long will all this be so heavy and at times so deafening? I am unraveling, my marriage is unraveling and I want to go home.

Tough times

Things have been really tough with my husband. We have been fighting a lot. There has been so much stress lately. Between his ex wife and my being so homesick it has been tough. I addition his daughter might be coming to live with us. I am acting supporting but am not looking forward to her being here. If she does then we will move across town so she can go to the high school her friends are at. I like the area of town currently live in. It is nicer and we are closer to things to do. I know I am whining but shit I feel like I keep having to give up things and get nothing in return. I still do not like living here and does not feel like home at all. Now I have to move to an area I don't really like. I am depressed but pretend to be happy. And lately I have been wondering if we are gonna last in the long haul. I have tried talking but we end up fighting and I feel like nothing has been accomplished except hurt feelings. I fell like we are unraveling and I really don't have the energy to anything about it. I take it one day at a time and just exist day to day. I have really thought of moving back to Phoenix, finding a job and just picking up and moving back without my husband. I hate that I am even considering it. I love my husband very much but the stress is getting to me, the thought of having a teenager in my house once again sucks, it truly sucks. I will become second to my husband, well gee that is a step up from number three behind his daughter and ex wife. I know he loves me but he wants his daughter in his life and living here with us that he forgets about just us and he will continue till we are totally unraveled. I am hanging on each day, if it wasn't for my job I would have nothing that I enjoy.

When Will It

When will this storm cease to lash at me?
When will peace settle inside and outside?
It rages on with the crash of thunder
Lightning bolts across the sky that is my life
The storm continues and seems to never cease
Just when I think the calm is ahead of me
The storm gains momentum and intensity
Will I survive this storm that just stays with me?
Can I stay steady and strong through the rain?
It is stinging and sharp to my skin and my heart
The thunder is again loud and deafening at times
The lightening is terrifying with intensity
When will this storm end and calm will restored

Venting!

I am trying so hard to be selfish or sound like a spoiled brat but I want to move back home. I miss my family so much and I was really hoping in no more than 2 years we could do it. But now maybe not and I am not happy about it. I am accepting of it but I am not happy about it. I will not let my husband know how I really feel because the reason involves him but not in a bad way. I understand the whys of it but it still sucks. Blah this place does not feel like home. Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful here and it has been great seeing places that I never thought I would but still it is not home. Also I do like my job and feel very blessed to have it. However outside of my hubby and my job what else do I have here. I have no friends and haven't met anyone I want to be friends with, the type of friend that I can hang with, have a few drinks or even getting drunk. Someone to hang out with all night. Or to laugh at the silliest things with, get my nails done, etc. I miss my family, I miss my friends and I am trying to get passed being so sad and down about it. I have shut myself off from God and I know that is not right. When I start I get angry and start crying. I find it is easier to just ignore how I feel and move on with life here. I know that is not right but right now it is how I survive. Well I am done venting for now. It is late and I have to get to bed. I have to work tomorrow.