There is no bottom

Today I cried most of the way to work and most of the way home. Life right is so pressing and I am going down into that dark pit. I have no been this down in so long. I try to pray but all there is only the cry of my heart. I know God hears that and I know He is here in this place with. Today I was so caught up in the many changes that have happened and that are going to happen and I realized God is the only one who does not change in my life. I think of the changes that I am facing and I have no control over the outcome. Choices will be made and I will once again be asked to give up something of myself. There is no one here that I can reach out and I can't talk to my husband because these changes and choices concern his daughter possibly living with us. So to talk to him would put him in the middle. Don't get me wrong, his daughter is a nice enough person and I know it would be better for her to live here but it still is a giving up of myself. All I can think is I want to go home. The only bright thing here is my job and my co-workers are great but other than that what is there about this place? Then I think of the time in San Diego and I miss the peace of the ocean. I really believed we would stay there, I truly believed that. This place we live is not me, it is only the place I live, not where I want to live. Not my home, we are looking to buy a house and maybe that will help but then we lived in an apartment in San Diego and it felt like home. I am falling fast, the light is fading and the dark is surrounding me once again, pressing in and at times suffocating. How long will I be down here, I know eventually I will come out of it and back into the light. But how long will all this be so heavy and at times so deafening? I am unraveling, my marriage is unraveling and I want to go home.