Out of Control

Things seem so out of control. Something has reared its ugly head in my marriage and I don't know if we will survive it. I am contemplating my options on what to do. But then what the heck can I do? I have my house back home however I have no job and no means to get my things there. I am so devastated at the thought of not being with my husband, not having him a part of my life and the worst is because of something on his part. I am so angry at him for what has happened yet I am so very sad and hurt about it. On top of that dealing with some fallout of my son's behavior. It is nothing he has done but if he wasn't such an arrogant shit he would not be in this mess. I look at these two men, the two most important men in my life and I resent them so very much for all this shit. I am trying to come up with the words to describe how I feel right now. I know I want to just chuck it all in, runaway. I feel like I am in a life that I don't want. Funny thing is even though I hate living here while I was on my vacay I realized I would not want to live anywhere without my husband. So here's my out, my chance to just pack it up and go home. However financially just not possible so do I just bide my time and get things together financially so I can do it down the road? I did tell Timothy he needs to get his shit together and out of his own cuz I don't know what the future holds for my husband and I. Things are spinning out of control and there is nothing that can be done to stop it from doing that. I have completely turned my life around for him and shit after shit keeps happening from him. Do I just say heck with it and cut my losses and just leave. But that takes money to move my stuff and then money to live on till I get a job. Then there is our debt, that makes it dicier because right now things are tight. So do I wait it out and get us ahead financially then leave or what do I do? Oh let's not forget the age factor for getting a job. That will work against me. Well I better stop because I am making myself more depressed with going over it. I am stuck in an out of control life.

Emotional Eating

Ugh emotional eating today was out of control. I like this place less and less. I mean I love my house but don't like where it is located. I hated coming home yesterday. I went to Phoenix and San Diego for 5 days. Both of those places are home to me. This place is not home, does not even begin to feel like it. So today after work I came home and just ate junk, I mean I am not overfull or anything like that but I kept snacking. I know why, I was ignoring how I was feeling. I just think it is better not to express it but I need to find a healthier outlet. I need to exercise but I feel so trapped inside, like I am pushing to get out but the barrier is just too strong. I want to like living here, I truly do because my husband really likes his job and loves this house. I want to be at peace here but so far not going that way at all. I need to break free from this funk, this depression, let's name it for what it is. I am depressed and I am sinking lower. I pretend all is okay because that is what is expected of me. Even now it is hard to stay focused on this writing and keep a train of thought.

So I will focus on my wonderful vacay. I loved it, the second stepped off the plane in Phoenix I knew I was home, putting on shorts, a tank top and flip flops was wonderful. Then driving to San Diego, stopping to see my mom for a bit, who I miss so very much, was awesome. Then my daughters and I get to San Diego and to our hotel by the ocean and I had to walk down there, the surf, smell of the ocean, the sand, that was home to me also. So we spent the weekend partying, eating, laying in the sun, then more of the same till I had to come back here.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

On the move

Another move has happened but this one is forward. We bought a house and are out of an apartment. We have been here less then a week and I already feel more at home in this place then I did for the past year we lived in the apartment. Hopefully it will have a settling affect on me. Another factor is spring is coming, the cold is slowly going away and the sun has been out more. But there are still times I feel like my life is out of control, that this roller coaster is falling apart and I can't get out of the car. I am trying to focus on the positive and the present. Need to quit trying to make sense of things that don't right now. The stress at times is high and I get frustrated with letting it get to me. Why do I forget the good things in my life, The blessings big and small. Count my many blessings one by one, just look around and add them up. I know they will be more than the negatives which I know I magnify to more than they are. Be thankful for the beautiful place I live in including this home. Instead I long for where we lived before moving here. I so want to go back there once again but I know our lives are here. But at times I feel so isolated and so alone. Surrounded by people but knowing no one and no one knowing me. Not feeling safe to let others in and be vulnerable to truly open up. I know that comes with time but it is hard after being around that for so many years. I am tired physically and mentally, my emotions are all over the place. I heard someone say that we pray for God to take away whatever we are going through but instead we should pray for wisdom as we go through it. So that is what I am trying to focus on and while mostly I am unsuccessful there are a few times I am not. It is making that one step forward count.

Runaway

This morning I was driving to the store and I felt like just driving away, not coming back. It was a feeling that came on so quick and let me tell you hard to fight in that moment. My life is not mine, I am losing myself and tonight I realized I am going to have to lose more of myself as to not get the disrespect I faced tonight. I like music that my husband and step daughter don't care for but hey they like music I don't care for but the difference is I respect their choice of music. I don't get the same back. and while they apologized for what they said, I am still angry, sad and hurt by what they said. It is like my faith, I know how they feel because they have expressed themselves. My husband likes to think he is open minded and respectful of what I believe but he is not nor is my step daughter. I just don't share or talk about it, I keep that part of me to myself. I share my faith with others and same with my music. I hide myself from those I should be able to share myself with. I become someone I am not just to keep peace, while I am not perfect at it I am perfecting it. Tonight again reminded me I am second rate in this house, at times I feel like it is not my home, I am standing outside watching myself and wondering where am I going, disappearing to. I am becoming a ghost of myself in my house. Laughing and talking, pretending to be a part of this family but at times I feel like the family is two-my husband and my stepdaughter. Am I just selfish or unrealistic to feel like I am. Do I just suck it up and carry on. I am becoming a shadow of myself and I need to accept that is my place in this household. A part of me is afraid that when I go home to visit in April and then onto San Diego for the weekend that I won't come back but just a small part because I am too responsible to not come back. It sounds harsh but I would not do that to my boss. At least at work I know how much they appreciate me and I know I contribute and am respected for who I am. There is a part of me that truly believes if I was out of the picture my husband would find someone else fairly quickly. I know if this does not work out then I am done with the whole relationship thing. But then I am losing us, it has been happening for a few weeks now. I don't know how to stop the down slide. I just exist in this place, in my life. Who knows what will become of me as I continue to hide myself.