Runaway

This morning I was driving to the store and I felt like just driving away, not coming back. It was a feeling that came on so quick and let me tell you hard to fight in that moment. My life is not mine, I am losing myself and tonight I realized I am going to have to lose more of myself as to not get the disrespect I faced tonight. I like music that my husband and step daughter don't care for but hey they like music I don't care for but the difference is I respect their choice of music. I don't get the same back. and while they apologized for what they said, I am still angry, sad and hurt by what they said. It is like my faith, I know how they feel because they have expressed themselves. My husband likes to think he is open minded and respectful of what I believe but he is not nor is my step daughter. I just don't share or talk about it, I keep that part of me to myself. I share my faith with others and same with my music. I hide myself from those I should be able to share myself with. I become someone I am not just to keep peace, while I am not perfect at it I am perfecting it. Tonight again reminded me I am second rate in this house, at times I feel like it is not my home, I am standing outside watching myself and wondering where am I going, disappearing to. I am becoming a ghost of myself in my house. Laughing and talking, pretending to be a part of this family but at times I feel like the family is two-my husband and my stepdaughter. Am I just selfish or unrealistic to feel like I am. Do I just suck it up and carry on. I am becoming a shadow of myself and I need to accept that is my place in this household. A part of me is afraid that when I go home to visit in April and then onto San Diego for the weekend that I won't come back but just a small part because I am too responsible to not come back. It sounds harsh but I would not do that to my boss. At least at work I know how much they appreciate me and I know I contribute and am respected for who I am. There is a part of me that truly believes if I was out of the picture my husband would find someone else fairly quickly. I know if this does not work out then I am done with the whole relationship thing. But then I am losing us, it has been happening for a few weeks now. I don't know how to stop the down slide. I just exist in this place, in my life. Who knows what will become of me as I continue to hide myself.