Am I getting sick

Ugh I am feeling no so good. A co-worker was sick with the flu this week so did she pass it on to us? She was in the office for a day when she was not feeling well. My stomach has been wonky on and off all day. I have been so tired and now I have a headache. Great weekend coming up and I might be sick. That just sucks!! Another co-worker was feeling sick today also. Great, love it!! Tis the season I guess. My brain is tired that I can't even stay very focused. I drove to work this morning and it is a 30-30 min drive and I barely remember any of it. I wasn't sleepy just my brain was tired.

Well it is the next day, I could not even finish the post last night. I am still tired even though I slept good. But I worked out and took the dogs for a walk. Did some cleaning upstairs. Even though I am still tired I am glad I did not lay around and do nothing. My mind frame is better then it has been in a while which is weird because I know winter is around the corner but it is not bringing me down again. I am still praying for peace and contentment in closing the door on my dreams and opening myself up to God's. To accept that we are living here and that could not change after my stepdaughter graduates high school. I want to remain positive and enjoy living here. So I will work to keep my focus looking up.

Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since I wrote my last post, boy what a roller coaster we have been on. The breaking point came this past Saturday night. I expressed quietly but painfully how I felt things were. My husband listened, I mean really listened to what I had to say. How could not hear the pain and agony of me saying that I am watching two people who love each fall apart. Neither of us want to lose the other. This week has been somewhat calmer but am I just suppressing myself to try to end the bickering, arguing and fighting that we have been a lot. I don't know the answer and time will tell whether that is what is happening. I don't want to lose me in finding our way back to us. It is learning to really letting past hurts go and leave it in the past. Look forward and not backwards.




For my part I am looking at how I can be content here in this place, not just for now but with the idea that we will stay here even after my stepdaughter graduates high school. That this will be our home. I have to make peace with that, which will be hard. I want to move back to San Diego or even Phoenix. My first love is San Diego because I love the beach, there is a peace that it fills me with that I don't get anywhere else I have ever lived. It felt so like home to me. Even Phoenix never felt so like home as San Diego did. However I have to put that dream aside and give up that hope of returning. Hope is not something I have a lot of these days and I don't believe in dreams such as that coming true for me. So it is time to lay it aside the dream of moving back to San Diego, it is a silly dream anyway. How does one lay aside a dream and the slim hope of it coming true and make peace with it. I will have to figure out how to do that because if it means a more content and peaceful me than it will be worth it.

It is a small step

This past week my husband and I have been at odds. Yesterday the tension was finally gone. Later that night though what would be considered make up sex was not intimate or comforting. I just wanted it to be over with and I have never felt like that in the three years we have been married. I slept terrible last night and it was on my mind today. Finally I got the courage to text him that I wanted to talk to him when I picked him up from work. I was nervous because usually when I talk to him about something bothering me he gets defensive and attacks back. But he listened to me and said that it had been bothering him all day. He apologized and did not get childish at all. It was a bit encouraging and hopefully will continue. I love my husband and want to see us get past this hard patch we have been experiencing. I will try to be more positive and optimistic. Maybe there is a light up ahead, I don't see one yet but just maybe there is one.

I just don't know

I miss us, the us we had before kids moved in. I miss the intimacy and closeness that was once there. With so much time passing and so much heartbreak happening I am not sure we can get it back. I want it back, I catch glimpses of it but it seems so forced on your end. I want us back, who we were before kids moved in. I want to feel like I am important to you, that you desire me, want to be with me but I don't feel that from you. I have no one to talk to, I feel so alone, I can't share how deep my sorrow and depression goes because you get defensive and take it personal. I try to talk to you but you turn it around to being my fault. I feel it is always futile to talk about how I feel or what I think or how I see things when it comes to us. I am growing so dead inside, so cold and dark. I miss us so much that the pain is unbearable, the thought of us falling completely apart is so very painful. The thought of you not in my life is gut wrenching, not hearing your voice or seeing you or holding hands. I want to hang on in hopes it will get better but I am bit out of hope right now, I am not believing in miracles. Life is so drab and dull and lackluster. The one thing that keeps me going is my job but even lately I have found it burdensome. I miss us, I miss our intimacy and closeness we once had. I feel so far apart from you and you are distant to me but to bring it up brings denial and turning it around on me. So I withdraw within and put on a happy face. You say you can read me and know me and how I feel but you do not know the depths to which it goes. To share it would scare you and might make you leave. I just want us to get back to us.

I also want us to find a way to get back to San Diego, while it was hard I think we were happiest there. I hate the cold and you hate the heat so San Diego is a good middle ground between Idaho and Arizona. I miss the beach, taking the dogs to the dog beaches and parks, watching the sunset over the ocean. I miss the relaxed lifestyle and unhurried pace. While there were some painful reminders that is still is where we were the happiest and most content. I want to go back there but it is impossible, it would take a miracle and as I said I am fresh out of believing in miracles. Financially things are so crappy and tight which puts us at odds. We can't agree on how to cut our budget. You accuse me of not being interested in finances but if I give my input you reject it. You want me to look at how you have set up the bills to pay and agree with it, not offer my advice or suggestions. Then you get mad at me because I show no interest.

Winter is coming

The days become cooler as daylight lessens.
The splendor of fall is just around the corner.
Reds and golds so vibrant against the sky.
It is a bittersweet time for me.
I know winter will soon be here.
Very soon the snows will fall.
The bitter cold winds will sweep across the land.
Already sadness is creeping into me.
I feel the weight of it beginning to press down.
Winter is not my season and I resent its intrusion.
I resent it even more so in this place of bitter cold.
It is an unwelcome guest, one that stays for months.
Just when you think it will leave, it continues to stay.
Winter is coming with its dark dreary days.
As much as I try not to, I will reflect the winter.
But amid that dreariness is a flicker of light
I will weather the season with mixed emotions
And hold out hope that once again spring will come.

Throwing it all away

It has been so very long since I have written anything. Almost a month. I have been trying that thankful thing and so far it isn't doing much. I miss my girls so much and it gets harder every time I leave them. I spent over a week in AZ then a weekend and coming home was so very painful. I have been crying when I drive back and forth to work. I am ready to throw it all away and go back home. I went so far as to check out jobs and figure out if I could afford to live on my own. But I know I would regret it and I love my husband so very much. But will that be enough to keep me here if we never move back home. Can I weather the pain and hurt I constantly feel. Our marriage has been on shaky ground for awhile but I am not ready to give up. I want to hold fast but I feel us slipping away. I feel myself slipping away. Our third anniversary is around the corner and I really don't feel like doing anything for it. It is a good thing his daughter lives with us so that makes a good excuse as to why we can't go overnight anywhere. There is a Genesis song called "throwing it all away" and it is constantly playing in my head. Can I hold on and not throw my marriage away. See what happens in 3-4 years after my stepdaughter graduates. Will I just suck it up and continue on here after that. All I know is I want to go home and this is not home to me.