Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since I wrote my last post, boy what a roller coaster we have been on. The breaking point came this past Saturday night. I expressed quietly but painfully how I felt things were. My husband listened, I mean really listened to what I had to say. How could not hear the pain and agony of me saying that I am watching two people who love each fall apart. Neither of us want to lose the other. This week has been somewhat calmer but am I just suppressing myself to try to end the bickering, arguing and fighting that we have been a lot. I don't know the answer and time will tell whether that is what is happening. I don't want to lose me in finding our way back to us. It is learning to really letting past hurts go and leave it in the past. Look forward and not backwards.




For my part I am looking at how I can be content here in this place, not just for now but with the idea that we will stay here even after my stepdaughter graduates high school. That this will be our home. I have to make peace with that, which will be hard. I want to move back to San Diego or even Phoenix. My first love is San Diego because I love the beach, there is a peace that it fills me with that I don't get anywhere else I have ever lived. It felt so like home to me. Even Phoenix never felt so like home as San Diego did. However I have to put that dream aside and give up that hope of returning. Hope is not something I have a lot of these days and I don't believe in dreams such as that coming true for me. So it is time to lay it aside the dream of moving back to San Diego, it is a silly dream anyway. How does one lay aside a dream and the slim hope of it coming true and make peace with it. I will have to figure out how to do that because if it means a more content and peaceful me than it will be worth it.