I just don't know

I miss us, the us we had before kids moved in. I miss the intimacy and closeness that was once there. With so much time passing and so much heartbreak happening I am not sure we can get it back. I want it back, I catch glimpses of it but it seems so forced on your end. I want us back, who we were before kids moved in. I want to feel like I am important to you, that you desire me, want to be with me but I don't feel that from you. I have no one to talk to, I feel so alone, I can't share how deep my sorrow and depression goes because you get defensive and take it personal. I try to talk to you but you turn it around to being my fault. I feel it is always futile to talk about how I feel or what I think or how I see things when it comes to us. I am growing so dead inside, so cold and dark. I miss us so much that the pain is unbearable, the thought of us falling completely apart is so very painful. The thought of you not in my life is gut wrenching, not hearing your voice or seeing you or holding hands. I want to hang on in hopes it will get better but I am bit out of hope right now, I am not believing in miracles. Life is so drab and dull and lackluster. The one thing that keeps me going is my job but even lately I have found it burdensome. I miss us, I miss our intimacy and closeness we once had. I feel so far apart from you and you are distant to me but to bring it up brings denial and turning it around on me. So I withdraw within and put on a happy face. You say you can read me and know me and how I feel but you do not know the depths to which it goes. To share it would scare you and might make you leave. I just want us to get back to us.

I also want us to find a way to get back to San Diego, while it was hard I think we were happiest there. I hate the cold and you hate the heat so San Diego is a good middle ground between Idaho and Arizona. I miss the beach, taking the dogs to the dog beaches and parks, watching the sunset over the ocean. I miss the relaxed lifestyle and unhurried pace. While there were some painful reminders that is still is where we were the happiest and most content. I want to go back there but it is impossible, it would take a miracle and as I said I am fresh out of believing in miracles. Financially things are so crappy and tight which puts us at odds. We can't agree on how to cut our budget. You accuse me of not being interested in finances but if I give my input you reject it. You want me to look at how you have set up the bills to pay and agree with it, not offer my advice or suggestions. Then you get mad at me because I show no interest.