Time brings truth

So it has been quite awhile since I wrote anything at all, over a month ago. In that time I realized the person I was so sad to lose was a manipulator and deceiver, He treated me so horribly yet it was like a time released bomb that did not go off right away. Then it did, the realization of what a horrible excuse for a human being he is and how abusive he was to me was like being punched. While he never hit me, he might as well have because that is what it felt like. I let him know, (in writing of course cuz he knows how to talk a good game) point blank how he treated me, he was abusive etc and it has been over a month and nothing back. As far as I know he was moving on to his next victim while getting rid of me. Cruel and callous man for sure, no conscious or remorse what so ever. I have heard from a few people who have come in contact with him through where he works and they all have said he gave them a weird feeling, gave them the heebie jeebie. One person who met him while we were seeing each other said he had no substance, no depth. Which I can now think back on our conversations and while he had a lot to say never of any value or depth or conviction. Knew alot of nothing about alot of stuff. Still doesn't mean it did not hurt or I still wanted to see his heart change and come back to me. However I am doing nothing to put myself in his path. In fact I do not use any business in the area where he works and lives. I am thankful he is out of my life yet the attraction is still there. It is that destructive streak of a down cycle I get in and I am beginning meds once again. He is not the reason, what went on with him is the straw that broke the camel's back in a 14 month time period of shit going on. So there is an update if anyone reads these. But I also do it for myself.

sorrow and loss

Loss hangs heavy inside of me, it weighs down like an anchor of lead. I am reaching out to God. He keeps me in His truth while the pain and hurt flood over me. I have to go through it to get past it. Did I hang onto you because I did not want another loss? It has been a year plus since leaving the cult and there is not just a loss of relationships but the loss of trust, loss of fellowship, loss of a sense of belonging, I had felt safe there and all of the sudden it was gone. I lost that trust in a spiritual leader. I was deceived, betrayed, manipulated and abused while I was there. So would I have gotten so close to you if I didn’t have all that so fresh in me? I won’t know that for sure but I know it is just one of many losses I’m grieving over as I experience the pain and hurt; betrayal and being used. However it does not excuse or lessen what you did to me. I want to make that very clear. But it makes dealing with it in a more correct way because it is a hurt I have to work through along with the other stuff. I can strive to let you go with a finality of it, which just writing it hurts because I didn’t want to lose you that is just the way it has to be. You do not understand why we can’t be friends but you made that choice you set out to use me like you did. I don’t want a friend who is so dishonoring and disrespectful to me. Friends deserve to be treated with dignity, honor and respect. What hurts yet doesn’t is I have not heard from you since we talked on Monday about it all. You were so surprised I was so hurt and felt used. Yet I prayed for God to keep you out of my life so I am ambivalent. I want to see you but I do not, it is ambivalence, all I have to do is remember how you treated me, talked to me that Saturday night and then on Monday backed up what you said and I hope I never see you again. Yet I feel such sorrow for your lost soul that it burdens me at times. So I will pray for your salvation but skip the other stuff. God knows who I need for my life better than I do. He also knows if He opened that door to you that I would go through it, the key words being if God opened the door. So I will grieve out this loss along with the losses from the cult. I will be stronger for it all and God will heal my heart and move me on from you.

GOO GOO DOLLS ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is almost midnight and I got home about 30 min ago from the concert. It was so great. I did not see the opening act because I was meeting the Goo Goo Dolls. Which was great. I hugged all three, got to talk about 30 seconds to Robby and then the picture taking and out the door. Others complained about how little time you get but I say hey I got a picture of me with my favorite band, I am not going to complain. Anyway Melissa said the opening act was very good. Then Lifehouse was second, they are a really good band. They have a new CD out I think next week. Then it was the Goo Goo Dolls and let me tell you they rocked!!! They played old to new stuff. It was fantastic. Melissa and I were up on our feet the whole time dancing and moving, etc. They are so great in concert, if you have never seen them I would highly recommend them. They are high energy and awesome musicians. All over the stage and interacting with the audience. They sang my fave "Iris". It was also great to hear "Cuz You're Gone" and "Long Way Down" but also "Acoustic #3." John is one of the best songwriters. He has a way of putting these thought provoking words to music that get you thinking. But I also like Robby's songs, which he sang "Lucky Star" and a few others. His are much different that John's but just as provoking. This was my fourth time seeing them and I never get tired of going. When they come back through town I will be there and probably with Melissa because we have a great time together. Well folks it is late and I should try to get to bed.

Just rambling

The weather is so cool and mild outside. I dare to think it is spring even though it is almost the middle of June. What is going on I wonder but yet enjoy the open doors and air conditioner off. It makes me think of those small things in life that give pleasure or happiness. I try to cling to them because in the bigger things there is not alot of that going on. Life throws curves and sometimes it is a very long hairpin curve that never seems to end. I have been on one of those for a while now and I wonder when it will end and the road will straighten out. I am ready for a straight road for awhile without the personal struggle I have been going through. However God has me on this curve for a reason so I will look to Him and prepare for when the road does become straight once again. I can not hurry it along, even though I have been trying. That makes it more scary and dicey so I will take it at God's pace and strive to not get restless or stressed. My past is filled with those times when I hurried along the curve and crashed and burned. So I need to remember those times and take my foot off the gas and let God do it. I have done this before been impatient to get around a curve but God kept me slowed down to His pace and the outcome was so much more that I could have ever thought. So I will take this hairpin curve nice and slow, like one should on a curve like this. And just enjoy the ride along the way and know God will eventually bring me to the where it is straight on ahead...for a little while at least.

I miss her

This is for my mother in law. She died in Oct. She was a strong woman of faith.

I Miss Her

Today I sat by her grave

I told her I miss her

She was a woman of faith

She lived faith out in front of others

I was very blessed to have her in my life

I miss her hugging me and telling me she loves me

I miss how special she made me feel all the time

I never doubted she cared or loved me

Today I cried by her grave

I told her I miss her

Just preaching

So Tuesday I have a small Bible study group and we have been going through Acts. Tonight was chapter 21 & 22. It recounts Paul's conversion to Christ from an earlier chapter. A brief summary for those that don't know it. Paul or Saul as he was first known was a Jew among Jews, very learned and educated. And he hated the early Christians and persecuted them. He stood by and held coats for those who stoned Stephen to death. He was on the road to Damascus to get an order to take care of those pesky Christians when Christ appeared to him. The rest is history, he came to Christ, became Paul and went on to write alot of the NT and preached salvation to both Jews and Gentiles. All this is in the book of Acts which tells of the early church. So for those of you who feel like you have done things in your life that can't be forgiven or question how can God use you, look at Paul and what he did yet God used him in a mighty way. Christ died on the cross for all sins, each and every one. There is nothing you can do that His finished work on the cross can't take care of. So come the cross, believe and know you are forgiven through Jesus Christ and you will have eternal life through that belief. There is such awesome freedom in that. I pray for those who are not saved, that you will be. I

Blocked and I don't mean football

Blocked

I am blocked, the thoughts scattered

To think and create is elusive

Yet my mind is constantly abuzz

Mindless chatter surrounds my brain

Chatter that does not mean anything to anyone

I want to write, to bring words to life

But my mind is not cooperating

It just stays active with the mindlessness

I long to be coherent but I am blocked



Ode to a blocked mind

I am blocked, just a mush mind right now. I am unable to form any thoughts and string them together in creativity. I am writing but it is all gibberish about being blocked. I can still write even when I am blocked. Yet it is not focused or orderly. I could write one sentence about being used and another about the love of God. It is all fractured and piecemeal. There is no order in my brain at this time. It is scattered about and grasping at many things or even nothing. Just thoughts that are running and hanging around but none that tie together to form one finished idea. Oh to write one idea and bring it to completion in a poem or story would be so nice. And ironically when I have finished this small piece on being blocked I will have achieved what I have desired to do. To write one idea and bring it to completion.

Anger

Anger

Anger spews like lava erupting from a volcano

It wells up with heat and tears

Hot tears full of bitterness and pain

Hate rises and vengeance spins through your mind

You know you should forgive but you vow you never will

You spit out words full of cursing

Or you stammer as anger robs you of coherent thought

You know you will forgive but for now you let anger rise

Flirting

I wrote this about flirting.

The Flirting Ritual

A man and a woman catch each other’s eye

Gazes grow longer as the attraction increases

She playfully teases him with her words

He lightly touches her arm a couple of times

As she sits, she crosses her legs yet leans towards him

He is relaxed yet his gaze is strong and steady

One day his touch lingers on her shoulder

She places her hand on his chest as she walks by

As they part she places her hand on his arm

He looks into her eyes before leaving.

And so this flirting ritual continues

Time will tell how it plays out.

Here are some more things I have written. These smaller writings come out of emotions I am experiencing, questioning I have or frustration, whatever. These simple ones flow out of that.

Silence

The silence from another is deafening
Doubting creeps in as silence continues
Things spoken are questioned as silence continues
Hope fades as silence continues
The silence from another seems deafening

Promises denied

You proclaim you are a man who keeps his promises.
By your denial of promises made are you saying only when it suits you?
In denial you have a way out and can still declare your proclamation.
Do you give even one thought to the one you deny promises made to?
Promises you deny making are wounding to one who truly cares.
Do you care about that or does that one really matter to you?
By your denial you are not the man you have convinced yourself to be.
What will you do in the face of these words, nothing or something?



The Storm of Loneliness

Loneliness has always been my constant companion. Mostly it is quiet and weaves throughout my inner being like a lazy river on a summer day. But at times it is a raging, foaming ocean at the height of a storm. It crescendos and crashes upon the shores within me. The truth is hard to keep a hold of when the loneliness is raging. It comes within my reach yet slips before I can grasp it just like trying to grasp a misty fog being burned off by the sun. Inside a room it fills every crevice and corner with its loudness. Yet outside it seems to rain all around me and stings as it touches my being. O Lord, I cry out deliver me from the pain of this loneliness. But because loneliness has always been a part of me there is no relief. So I will hold onto the truth knowing that this storm will recede, the crescendos will quiet and once again my loneliness will become like a lazy river on a summer day weaving slowly within me.

Some of my writings

Here are a few things I wrote when I was going through a hard time. So feel free to tell me what you think

I Lost A Friend

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. God, I know I messed up yesterday and lost a friend in the process. I was offensive and harsh in my voice, words and attitude. I can not make it right because to try would make it worse.

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. It hangs heavy in the air like a foul smell that will not go away, constantly reminding me that I messed up, trying to drive me into shame and feelings of failure.

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. It haunts my thoughts the words I used. They hang in my mind and screech away constantly reminding me of what I did. Like the harsh screech of a wounded bird. I can find no solace from them.

I feel the weight of loss heavy all around. I have to look to God to repair what I have damaged because I know I messed up yesterday and lost a friend in the process.

And Life Goes On….Slowly


This day has been so long and drawn out. Every minute ticks by slowly, has time come to a stand still I ask myself or am I in a dream that I can not awake from. I have wept and prayed and just been numb throughout this day. And still the minutes-tick tock, tick tock, ever so slowly and each tick tock a painful movement in my heart and head. Oh God I ask, comfort me in my pain and increase my trust in You I cry out. Yet there are times of laughter and praises. Then the pain sinks in and tick tock tick tock, time slows once again. Isn't it time to shut myself under my covers and close my eyes to hopefully sleep, which is ever so elusive. I have hit the streets twice already in hopes that walking them will pass the day quicker but even in that it is ever so slowly going by. I keep my shoes on in case I need to move again and there I will be walking the streets in hopes time will pass again. The day has been so long and drawn out.

When The Quiet Seems So Loud

Lately I have been restless and can't stand the quiet in my house. It seems so loud. It echoes through all the rooms, every corner and crevice. I try to fill it up with music or TV or I take off on a walk when it is too loud. I dread coming home and hearing how loud the quiet is. At times it is deafening with it's stillness. Now my head is another matter, it is constantly abuzz with noise and thoughts and activity. It never shuts up or shuts down, day and night, awake or asleep. Sleep though has been fairly elusive for a couple of weeks, the constant buzz of everything keep me from sleeping well. It is broken and restless. When I do manage to sleep solid that is when the nightmares can intrude. I hate waking up because again the quiet in the house is deafening in its silence. And it is the night when my mind is the most active in its thinking. So many paths it can take at night, so much sorrow or pain or anger that is magnified in the deafening quiet of the house. I long to get up and out of my house; away from the quiet. However I will never be free of my mind, all its thoughts that are constant and at times so dark. I think if the house was not so loud in its quietness would my mind be so deafening with thoughts, activities and noise. So I repeat lately I have been restless and can't stand the quiet in my house.

Oh My Gosh

What is it with men these days. Where are the good ones, the decent ones, the ones who desire a real relationship with a real healthy woman? I just had a conversation with a guy I just met through match.com. His profile said he was separated yet he emailed and mentioned his ex wife. So when he called I point blank asked and he said well I don't know, said he was separated but hadn't filed for divorce and he did not know if it was over or something like that. So I said you are still married, he said well yeah I guess I am. I said I don't date married men. Oh yeah and this is his third marriage, which even if he was divorced, is not for me. But he hemmed and hawwed and gave me the I don't know crap. Then he said something like is was good to hear me be so sure about what I believe, so many times people don't do that. Gee like you really stand for something, clue if you are on match.com, it's over, file for a divorce and figure out why you got in a third bad marriage before moving on to another. Oh and his second divorce took him for all he had at the time.

I swear there are men out there who are letting themselves be emasculated by women over and over. When will these men grow a pair and get some self respect and get out of a bad/abusive relationship. Quit with the excuses like "I promised", or "I don't know", etc. Just grow a pair and get out, it makes you a real man if you stand up for yourself.. And guess what the abusive woman does not love you, respect you or see you as a man in any way. She has emasculated you severely and more than likely has, is and will cheat on you because to her you are not a real man so she goes and gets one. And she will just keep the abuse up and if you stay you will lose yourself, you will become a nothing, a shadow, the creativity, humor, goals, dreams and mind you have will be gone, it will be replaced by an empty shell, you will withdraw into yourself. She will isolate you away from friends and/or family by controlling you and your time. It can be very subtle that you do not realize it is happening. You will feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells, that is a horrible way to live. How do I know this-I experienced it growing up and in my marriage and have watched other women become like that and don't think because you a man it won't happen to you, it will. Abuse and the constant threat of abuse is soul destroying to any person no matter the gender. Just get the hell out and figure out what is wrong with you that you keep getting in these bad situations, fix yourself and then go find a good woman, we are out there. The ones who won't abuse you, take you for all you have, who will treat you with diginity and respect and honor you till death do part. And if you so admire a woman like that then why aren't looking for one like that or doing what you have to be with one like that. And this bullshit that you are not good enough for a woman like that. You know everyone deserves to be treated decently, no one has to stay in a bad or abusive relationship.

Right now I am listening to Steve Curtis Chapman's "Treasure of You" It talks about being God's treasure. God treasures each of us and loves us. So much so He sent His Son to die for our sins so that by believing in Jesus as Savior we can then be called daughters and sons of God. Be in a relationship with our Heavenly Father.

And to those who don't believe, search it out, and you will find out that God is real. There is an author Josh McDowell who set out to prove God was not real, that it was all not true but he found out it was true and is now an awesome Christian man. Check out his books and read about it. Read Dr Radmacher's "Salvation" to see what it means. "Knowledge Of The Holy" by AW Tozier talks about some of the attributes of God. I read it once a year. Also "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning is another good book.Then there is the ultimate the Holy Bible. So non believers, read, study, check it out. God is real and loves you and desires you as His child but that is only possible through His Son Jesus Christ.

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13

here goes

whoa a friend suggested I do this because I want to be a writer. I did not know it would be so easy to set up my own blog. Don't I feel special. What do I want to write. Well I am currently working on a fantasy story and I also want to write inspirational writings. I am a Christian so I want to point others to Christ first and foremost. Then I just like to write. I currently do this on myspace page where I have a small following of a few friends but this might get me out more. So here I go into the realm of the world wide web with my thoughts, struggles and ideas. Oh yeah and I will get on my soapbox now and again. I will write about current things, music, whatever strikes my fancy. So thanks for stopping by.