Questions without answers

I miss San Diego, I miss the ocean. The last couple of weeks that has been growing stronger. I miss it plain and simple! It was the first place I lived that I truly felt like I was home and I honestly thought that we would stay there. I don't understand why it did not work out that way and that is one of those questions without an answer. The ocean made me peaceful when I was restless or hurting. The sound of the waves is soothing to my soul. I have yet to find anything here that does that. I want to be able to put my toes in the wet sand at the water's edge. To feel the sun on my face and warmth in my body. To let the crashing waves fill me up with peace and hope. Life where I live now is so flat line, no pulse to this place. I miss living near the ocean and I don't understand why we could not stay there, why God did not have things go that way. Instead I am living in a place with very cold weather and hardly any sun over the winter and a small town with alot of small town attitude. I want to go back to live in the Southwest either AZ or CA but here we stay for at least 3 more years. I miss living in San Diego but I want to start counting my blessings instead of looking at the negative. I need to start counting my blessings and stand fast in what I know to be right. Know God is with me in this lonely and dark time and hold fast to that truth.

The mask I wear.

I wear a mask, I have gotten quite good at it because even I don't always realize I am. I feel so ungrateful and petty because things are good here. My husband is building a relationship with his daughter now that she lives with us. We are buying a house, we love our jobs but I feel so alone so lonely. I was driving home from work and Mark Shultz's "He will carry you" came on and I started crying! The loneliness and homesickness was so at the surface. However when I came home I put the mask back on. The mask is what I wear, it is easy to put on and it gets easier with time. Well I guess that is it for now. I attached the song cuz it is so meaningful to me.

Spring

Spring is in the air

Life is coming alive with the changes.

Shedding the coat of winter

I delight in the days growing warmer

Sunny days will increase as dreary days lessen.

Trees beginning to awaken and raising arms to the sky.

Honoring the Creator and Maker of all things

Birds will begin to sing songs of praise.

Spring is coming alive all around.

Give thanks to God for all He gives.

Another Day

Ugh another day, it was yucky weather with the cold winds whipping through. I am so tired of winter, I am ready for spring and warmth and sunshine. It is Saturday and I went into work. Trying to get hours ahead because I am taking time off in April and May. I would have stayed longer, I don't like coming home much this past few weeks. I get no break from having anyone around in my house. And my husband is a planner, has a hard time just being but he has gotten better at learning to relax. Well his daughter is the same way and on top of it she is used to being the center of attention to her parents. My husband and his ex did not really like each other and so they focused everything on her and after the divorce her mom continued on, That is unhealthy and I am not like that. The problem is he is centering things around her and I guess that is the way it is going to be so I need to accept it. Like I have said I am so thankful for my job, I love it and it is exciting and challenging. I love going to work everyday and that it is fulfilling to me. I don't find that much in my marriage right now. as much I love him so very much and can't imagine life without him. I have tried talking to him about it and it just turns into a fight plus I don't want his daughter feeling unwelcome here. So suck it up and find an outlet such as writing and need to get back to the gym to work through the emotions that are winding through me. As the saying goes SUCK IT UP!!

HIde Inside

I find it is better to hide inside. To keep the numbness and pain and agony to myself. I already expressed myself to my husband and I honestly thought he heard me but now that is all forgotten. I will lessen myself and my desires and my pain and my homesickness. I am already feeling smaller, like I am diminishing. But I can wear a mask, I am very good at that. I have this to express myself and my journal. Writing helps keep a lid on it, allows me to feel like someone is listening to what I am saying. Whether anyone actually ever reads what I write is beyond me but still I will write out, I will express, I will vent. This is all I have today. I will carry on, continue just being for now. Who knows maybe someday all this will pass but I don't have much hope of that.

Inside

Who can know the total inside of me? I hide it pretty well, I wear a mask so no one can see the numbing sorrow inside. What good does it do to express myself, no one really listens. I know my husband strives to be supportive and understanding but he just does not get how much I want to go back home. How things here are not moving in that direction yet I thought he heard what I said. Maybe I am wrong and eventually we will go there but I do not see it. I just wear my mask and strive to be cheerful when I am not. Believe it or not right now my job is what keeps me from going under. Not my husband, no matter how much I love him, it is my job. I hang onto it, allow it to fill me with a purpose of being here. Otherwise what is the point of being so far away from those I love. I do not resent him, life is what it is but I am still sorrowing inside. I also miss the peace of the ocean and so want to move back there but yet I miss my family and want to be where they are. Where my daughters are. I am so torn between two places that are home and living in a place that is not. Will buying a house make a difference. It will to him, he has wanted one for so long and yes I do to, I am tired of apartment living but want to live in my house back home. I hurt inside yet there are no tears to shed because it is a numbing pain. One that has made a place inside and won't go away. So I will continue hide and hurt and just allow myself to live here because this is where I am at. I see no end to this place at all and so here I am. Alone so alone, even though my husband is my friend, I can't talk to him about how I feel, he does not get it, never really has and I am tired of trying to explain it. So I will sorrow inside but on the outside wear that mask.

always

I understand and accept that it is better for my stepdaughter to live with us but I forgot that kids are always around and unlike my grown son who lives with us we can't just go where ever we want and not have to worry about him. Constant and more constant. I feel so guilty and selfish when I think like this. Again just not sure how this will change our relationship. There is no more thinking if, it is when. I just feel like we will not have the intimacy we did before, we will lose that. I am good at pretending and I really need to keep on. I don't want her to feel unwelcome or in the way because that is how her mom has made her feel especially since she has moved in with us. This is her home and she needs to feel safe and secure here. I am tired already and the school run has just started. We have till the first week in June. I don't even know what to feel or to think at times. I can be up and then down. I feel like my job is my only sanctuary. It is where I feel calm and peaceful even though things are hectic. It is familiar and while things are different and changing there is continuity to what I do. I will strive to look at positives to this all and keep one foot in front of the other and trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. That is one of my life verses and I need to keep my focus on God and His Word. I don't want to lose my husband and I and I have to trust God to help me to stay true and strong.

Oh boy

Well things have changed drastically. My stepdaughter is now living with us. Unexpected but also expected if that makes sense. I think his ex wants to be free when she moves. It will be rough and I am having to pick up a lot of slack because my schedule is more flexible than his. In a way I am not looking forward to having to work a schedule around a kid's again but I know it will be better for her. I hope this doesn't blow us apart. I love my husband so much but I feel like I am stressed all the time. Like I am letting down my job but I know my boss understands but still I am not great about this. I will do what needs to be done, I always have. I need to look at the good side which right now is I get off early and strive to enjoy the time in the afternoon that I normally wouldn't have. It will mean working 6 days a week since alot of the week will be 6 hour work weeks. I know my husband is so grateful I am willing to do this and it is only till the end of the year then we will move near her school. Just need to keep a good focus and hope and pray he and I don't implode.