Inside

Who can know the total inside of me? I hide it pretty well, I wear a mask so no one can see the numbing sorrow inside. What good does it do to express myself, no one really listens. I know my husband strives to be supportive and understanding but he just does not get how much I want to go back home. How things here are not moving in that direction yet I thought he heard what I said. Maybe I am wrong and eventually we will go there but I do not see it. I just wear my mask and strive to be cheerful when I am not. Believe it or not right now my job is what keeps me from going under. Not my husband, no matter how much I love him, it is my job. I hang onto it, allow it to fill me with a purpose of being here. Otherwise what is the point of being so far away from those I love. I do not resent him, life is what it is but I am still sorrowing inside. I also miss the peace of the ocean and so want to move back there but yet I miss my family and want to be where they are. Where my daughters are. I am so torn between two places that are home and living in a place that is not. Will buying a house make a difference. It will to him, he has wanted one for so long and yes I do to, I am tired of apartment living but want to live in my house back home. I hurt inside yet there are no tears to shed because it is a numbing pain. One that has made a place inside and won't go away. So I will continue hide and hurt and just allow myself to live here because this is where I am at. I see no end to this place at all and so here I am. Alone so alone, even though my husband is my friend, I can't talk to him about how I feel, he does not get it, never really has and I am tired of trying to explain it. So I will sorrow inside but on the outside wear that mask.