Latest Poem

The Darkness

The dark pit yawns before me waiting to swallow me up

I can’t find a way to get off this downward spiral

I cry out in anguish and pain yet I grow dead inside

My mind begins to grow numb unable to think clearly

I want to end this pain and anguish.

I want the memories that plague me to stop

At times I see only one way out of this

Yet I can’t take that route, go that path

Will the pain and hurt ever end??

The pain seems to always be there, the thoughts, the doubt. Have things gone to far that we can't make it work, that we are done. I want to hope not but hope is in short supply right now. I distrust him so much that it consumes me. I feel like I am just going through my days that melt into each other. The darkness that closes in around me and has moments of lifting but only moments. I strive to put on a happy face but it is not always easy. I am getting better at it and when I can fool my husband then I know I will have succeeded.

The day before Thanksgiving I came within about 20 seconds of getting in a head on collision with someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. I am so thankful I am not in the hospital or worse. One thing that came out of it is I know this is not my home, that the southwest is where I belong, either CA or AZ. I felt such peace when that realization hit me. Now whether it is with or without Dennis that remains to be seen. All I know is I need to focus on getting myself healthy emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. So who knows how things will turn out. I need to learn to focus on today and leave the future up to God.

As Life Goes On

Being thankful is getting so much harder to grasp. Hope and miracles are in very short supply. If God did not have a hold of me I would fall into a deep hole and not sure I would get out of it. I just need to remind myself to keep looking forward and upward but that is easier said then done. There are times I take more steps backward then I do forward. Things are so hard at my house right now that I am ready to pack up and go back to what I consider home. I know that is not the right thing to do but doesn't make that feeling go away. This is week 2 of a very stressful time. I can hardly eat and when I sleep it is not restful. I feel like there are times I am walking around in a fog. Will things continue this stressful and hard. Will things continue to be painful for a long time. I am not sure I can handle the hurt and pain I am going through right now. I try to find a place to go to just be quiet with God but even that is hard because I miss the beach so very much. That is the one place I could find a peace and solace like I never found anywhere else. There could waves crashing or the gentle lapping at the shore. The glorious sunsets that sing in praise to God. I don't understand why things did not work out that we could stay. I have never felt so at home as I did when we lived there and I was only there for 18 months. But I have to trust God knows the whys of being here and He does know what the future holds better. So I will go for now, try to get some sleep and maybe it will be restful and tomorrow I will wake up with even a smidgen of hope.

Just sayin'

Why do people think whatever issue they have is so horrible and insurmountable to overcome?? A genetic disorder that is treatable is not insurmountable. Dealing with the death of a loved one, especially a child, is not insurmountable. What keeps us at that point in our thinking is when we don't share with others, when we hold ourselves inside. It becomes so fearful to let others in to see who you really are because a person is afraid. I know I have been there, I lived in fear of behaviors and issues I dealt with. When I finally go help and found healing was I able to really become who I am. I like who I am, I am a devoted, loving, caring woman. I swear a little too much and I can laugh out loud at the most juvenile humor. I am responsible and dependable, people know they can count on me. I am a woman of faith who loves God but still will do things in my own strength then run into my Father's arms for help when things don't work out. I love my husband and kids fiercely and would protect them with all I have. I can dress up in fancy clothes but am more at home in a pair of jeans, tank top and flip flops. I love to read and write. History is one of fave subjects. World War II is my favorite historical era to study and read about. I have quite a few World War II books. I hate science and math. All my family is so very precious to me and I am blessed to have grown up in a large family. My sisters and I are a close group of 8 women. I also have a close group of friends that I can share anything with and I do. I have friends that I have known for over a decade and those that are new. I was also diagnosed bi polar and I take meds for it, if I didn't I would get out of control. I am overweight and can eat compulsively, I tried to explain to my husband what that meant. I could eat half a gallon of ice cream in one sitting even if I was full, I could force it down. However those things don't define me, they are a part of who I am but they don't define me. Why am I writing all this, because I am dealing with someone who thinks they are this awful person because of a genetic disorder they were diagnosed with and I have talking to them about those positives about them. Yes they need help, I have told them that but this person needs to be reminded of their value. That this diagnosis does not define them so don't let it have control over them. We are more than a diagnosis, a symptom. We are living breathing people and if we are born again we have the added bonus of being the child of the living God.

Another day

Today is another day and it went back to the way things have been. I just need to keep quiet and not say anything. I just can't get used to the let down. I came to a decision last night and will begin to do what I need to do towards that decision. I am not sure how things are going to play out in my marriage so I will take it one day at a time but with an eye on what I need to do. I know one I need to do is to close myself off to the hurt and pain. To just accepting things are the way they are without heartache. Quit saying anything, just accept, accept, accept!! No one said life is easy and this is one of those hard times and things I need to do. I have so much I can improve about myself so I will take care of that and focus on myself. Not in a selfish way but in a way that will make me healthier physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I want to be healthier so that when things fall apart I am okay on my own. And not here, this is not where I want to live so why would I stay when things go the way I think they will. So this is short because I am tired and need to get myself ready to go to bed. That is one thing I want to do is get more sleep. I have never been good at that one but it is time to start. My health needs to be important. If I know I will be working for the rest of my life then I need to be able to do it.

Brief reprieve

Quiet

I want to be quiet and keep my mouth shut
At times I feel so numb; wishing I could stay that way
I don't want to speak up about how I feel
It is better to keeping working to shut myself off
The emotions are too painful to keep feeling
When I do speak up there is a reprieve
Things improve for a day or two then back to normal
When that happens it makes the returning so much more painful
Why can't I just stay quiet and keep my mouth shut.

So this comes out of the fact I opened my mouth again. I spoke out of my pain and hurt of being rejected time after time. The cold and distant way he treats me subsides briefly when I say something. However I know it will go back to the way things have become. Back to what is now becoming normal. He wants to go to counseling but I doubt things will change. So it's better to teach myself to shut down; to grow numb. The rejection after a reprieve cuts so much deeper. I have to let go of hope and accept the way things are. I have come to believe hope is pointless and a waste of time. I need to accept that this is the way things are gonna be. So work on growing numb to it and realize this is just how things are gonna be. Oh boy does not make it easy to be positive about living here. I have been praying constantly for peace and contentment and I can feel the difference in me but this is making it hard to keep looking positive.

Thing is lately I have been missing living near the beach and so want to move back to San Diego. Live near the beach, so close that I would be able to walk to it. Well I need to get myself in a better financial position. Get to where all I would have is living expenses. Afford a small studio by the beach, get a job I can get to by bus, trolley, bike or walking. And I don't even need it to be in finance. Just something I could do to be able to live near the beach.

Well weird weather

Ok a week ago it was snowy and we had the heat on in the house. Here is is a week later and it is in the high 60's/low 70's, heat is turned off. It is weird but I am glad. I am so not ready for winter. It get too damn cold here but I am have been praying for a better mindset. It is effective and I have also been praying to die to my hopes and dreams and open up to what God has for me. That is not easy but I know it is the only way I will find peace and contentment living here. I am praying to look at things differently and with a more positive outlook. Not saying everything is peachy keen, this past month at work has been so frustrating to the point that I was thinking of looking for another job. My boss moved to Boise to open an office there and the communication has been really bad on his part. Also I don't have access to all the info I need to do my job. So he came into town this week for a couple of days and I told him how I felt and that it was to the point I was thinking of looking for another job. I don't know if things will change even though he says it will but at least he knows what I will do if it doesn't. I love my job and what I do, my co workers etc but it was very frustrating and there were other things such as I wonder if he will sell the business. I still have those concerns but I am amazed I was able to speak my mind. He has said he could not be out growing the business if I wasn't who I was. So hopefully he means that and what I said had him see what could happen if he continues being the way he has been. I really hope this is the company I stay with till I don't have to work anymore. So that was my week and how things have been. Standing up for myself and it is like a weight off my shoulders. job

It is too early

Wow this past week it snowed!! It was only Oct 6 and it was snowing. It was a 3-4 inches by the time it was done. It became so very cold. Yikes this was just way to early. That was Thursday then on Friday it was cloudy and drizzling and only got into the 40's. Then here comes Saturday and it was gorgeous!!! It was in the upper 50's, sun was shining. It was a mild and clear day. I am hoping that it was a fluke storm and it won't snow again for awhile. UGH I don't like snow but if I have to live where it snows I don't want it to start too early in the season. I am striving to have a positive attitude about living here, to look at things with a more positive mindset. Early snow does not help me in that respect but I worked hard to not let it bring me down. I want to be content and at peace with living here. It will make things so much better then being so moody and negative about it. If we are to be here for the rest of our lives then I need to have a better mindset, make friends and learn to be active in the cold winter months. So that is my goal this winter is to be more active then I was last winter, to get to the gym, get out walking and just plain get outside.

Am I getting sick

Ugh I am feeling no so good. A co-worker was sick with the flu this week so did she pass it on to us? She was in the office for a day when she was not feeling well. My stomach has been wonky on and off all day. I have been so tired and now I have a headache. Great weekend coming up and I might be sick. That just sucks!! Another co-worker was feeling sick today also. Great, love it!! Tis the season I guess. My brain is tired that I can't even stay very focused. I drove to work this morning and it is a 30-30 min drive and I barely remember any of it. I wasn't sleepy just my brain was tired.

Well it is the next day, I could not even finish the post last night. I am still tired even though I slept good. But I worked out and took the dogs for a walk. Did some cleaning upstairs. Even though I am still tired I am glad I did not lay around and do nothing. My mind frame is better then it has been in a while which is weird because I know winter is around the corner but it is not bringing me down again. I am still praying for peace and contentment in closing the door on my dreams and opening myself up to God's. To accept that we are living here and that could not change after my stepdaughter graduates high school. I want to remain positive and enjoy living here. So I will work to keep my focus looking up.

Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since I wrote my last post, boy what a roller coaster we have been on. The breaking point came this past Saturday night. I expressed quietly but painfully how I felt things were. My husband listened, I mean really listened to what I had to say. How could not hear the pain and agony of me saying that I am watching two people who love each fall apart. Neither of us want to lose the other. This week has been somewhat calmer but am I just suppressing myself to try to end the bickering, arguing and fighting that we have been a lot. I don't know the answer and time will tell whether that is what is happening. I don't want to lose me in finding our way back to us. It is learning to really letting past hurts go and leave it in the past. Look forward and not backwards.




For my part I am looking at how I can be content here in this place, not just for now but with the idea that we will stay here even after my stepdaughter graduates high school. That this will be our home. I have to make peace with that, which will be hard. I want to move back to San Diego or even Phoenix. My first love is San Diego because I love the beach, there is a peace that it fills me with that I don't get anywhere else I have ever lived. It felt so like home to me. Even Phoenix never felt so like home as San Diego did. However I have to put that dream aside and give up that hope of returning. Hope is not something I have a lot of these days and I don't believe in dreams such as that coming true for me. So it is time to lay it aside the dream of moving back to San Diego, it is a silly dream anyway. How does one lay aside a dream and the slim hope of it coming true and make peace with it. I will have to figure out how to do that because if it means a more content and peaceful me than it will be worth it.

It is a small step

This past week my husband and I have been at odds. Yesterday the tension was finally gone. Later that night though what would be considered make up sex was not intimate or comforting. I just wanted it to be over with and I have never felt like that in the three years we have been married. I slept terrible last night and it was on my mind today. Finally I got the courage to text him that I wanted to talk to him when I picked him up from work. I was nervous because usually when I talk to him about something bothering me he gets defensive and attacks back. But he listened to me and said that it had been bothering him all day. He apologized and did not get childish at all. It was a bit encouraging and hopefully will continue. I love my husband and want to see us get past this hard patch we have been experiencing. I will try to be more positive and optimistic. Maybe there is a light up ahead, I don't see one yet but just maybe there is one.

I just don't know

I miss us, the us we had before kids moved in. I miss the intimacy and closeness that was once there. With so much time passing and so much heartbreak happening I am not sure we can get it back. I want it back, I catch glimpses of it but it seems so forced on your end. I want us back, who we were before kids moved in. I want to feel like I am important to you, that you desire me, want to be with me but I don't feel that from you. I have no one to talk to, I feel so alone, I can't share how deep my sorrow and depression goes because you get defensive and take it personal. I try to talk to you but you turn it around to being my fault. I feel it is always futile to talk about how I feel or what I think or how I see things when it comes to us. I am growing so dead inside, so cold and dark. I miss us so much that the pain is unbearable, the thought of us falling completely apart is so very painful. The thought of you not in my life is gut wrenching, not hearing your voice or seeing you or holding hands. I want to hang on in hopes it will get better but I am bit out of hope right now, I am not believing in miracles. Life is so drab and dull and lackluster. The one thing that keeps me going is my job but even lately I have found it burdensome. I miss us, I miss our intimacy and closeness we once had. I feel so far apart from you and you are distant to me but to bring it up brings denial and turning it around on me. So I withdraw within and put on a happy face. You say you can read me and know me and how I feel but you do not know the depths to which it goes. To share it would scare you and might make you leave. I just want us to get back to us.

I also want us to find a way to get back to San Diego, while it was hard I think we were happiest there. I hate the cold and you hate the heat so San Diego is a good middle ground between Idaho and Arizona. I miss the beach, taking the dogs to the dog beaches and parks, watching the sunset over the ocean. I miss the relaxed lifestyle and unhurried pace. While there were some painful reminders that is still is where we were the happiest and most content. I want to go back there but it is impossible, it would take a miracle and as I said I am fresh out of believing in miracles. Financially things are so crappy and tight which puts us at odds. We can't agree on how to cut our budget. You accuse me of not being interested in finances but if I give my input you reject it. You want me to look at how you have set up the bills to pay and agree with it, not offer my advice or suggestions. Then you get mad at me because I show no interest.

Winter is coming

The days become cooler as daylight lessens.
The splendor of fall is just around the corner.
Reds and golds so vibrant against the sky.
It is a bittersweet time for me.
I know winter will soon be here.
Very soon the snows will fall.
The bitter cold winds will sweep across the land.
Already sadness is creeping into me.
I feel the weight of it beginning to press down.
Winter is not my season and I resent its intrusion.
I resent it even more so in this place of bitter cold.
It is an unwelcome guest, one that stays for months.
Just when you think it will leave, it continues to stay.
Winter is coming with its dark dreary days.
As much as I try not to, I will reflect the winter.
But amid that dreariness is a flicker of light
I will weather the season with mixed emotions
And hold out hope that once again spring will come.

Throwing it all away

It has been so very long since I have written anything. Almost a month. I have been trying that thankful thing and so far it isn't doing much. I miss my girls so much and it gets harder every time I leave them. I spent over a week in AZ then a weekend and coming home was so very painful. I have been crying when I drive back and forth to work. I am ready to throw it all away and go back home. I went so far as to check out jobs and figure out if I could afford to live on my own. But I know I would regret it and I love my husband so very much. But will that be enough to keep me here if we never move back home. Can I weather the pain and hurt I constantly feel. Our marriage has been on shaky ground for awhile but I am not ready to give up. I want to hold fast but I feel us slipping away. I feel myself slipping away. Our third anniversary is around the corner and I really don't feel like doing anything for it. It is a good thing his daughter lives with us so that makes a good excuse as to why we can't go overnight anywhere. There is a Genesis song called "throwing it all away" and it is constantly playing in my head. Can I hold on and not throw my marriage away. See what happens in 3-4 years after my stepdaughter graduates. Will I just suck it up and continue on here after that. All I know is I want to go home and this is not home to me.

And life goes on!

It has been awhile since I have written but in that time life has gone on. People say time flies when you are having fun, however in my experience time flies whether you are having fun or not. It has been a time of ups and downs. At times my emotions are all over the place but then other times I stuff them away. I think sometimes it is okay to do that when not stuffing them away can cause damage in a relationship that might be hard to overcome. There are days I feel like I am on automatic pilot, just going along unaware of what I am actually doing. Boy writing is just taking a lot of effort right now. I can't think clearly or even know what it is I want to write about.

As I rise in the cool of the morning for a brief moment I am unaware of the constant pain. Then the moment passes and once again my friend whose name is pain is with me. At times she disappears as if to let me catch my breath or maybe to fool me into thinking she is gone for good. I don't know what it would be like to not have her by my side but will she always be with me or will one day I be free of her?

Thankful or trying to be

So I am trying to be thankful instead of whining and moaning. Let me tell you, it is difficult to do when crap keeps being flung at this place. But let me give it a try. Right now I am thankful it is not winter anymore. That I can have my windows open, not have to pull on snow boots and gloves to go outside. Not have to worry about icy roads or warming my car up to get the ice off the windows. Thankful that the bitter wind chill is not blowing and making me cold deep inside my bones. Thankful there are more sunny days then there was over the winter. So that is about all I can think of to be thankful for at the moment. Right now I am really hating this place where we live and wanting to live back in San Diego once again. I loved it there and felt so at home, at peace there. I honestly thought that is where we would stay once my husband retired but alas was to not be. However if we were not to stay there why could we not go back to AZ?? Why here, I am trying to be positive and look for the good of being here but boy it ain't easy, especially when things happen that make this place more negative. but I will strive to focus on being thankful and for now I am thankful it is not winter anymore.

Thankfulness

I have decided to quit wallowing but to begin being thankful. When I blog to write about one thing I am thankful for. For this one I am thankful that my husband has a job. It was the only offer as he got ready to retire from the navy. Thankful he loves his job and the people he works with. In this economy where many people are unemployed I am grateful for him getting one. Yes his job brought us to this place that is hard to deal with but as I focus on being thankful he has a job and one that he loves. So to continue being thankful keeps me from being so selfish and depressed. Well that is what I am thankful for in this blog.

Life just goes on

So life just goes on with not a lot changing. I am trying to have a better attitude and work with my husband not against him in things going on. It can be hard because after awhile I get tired of being around my step daughter but it is what it is. I need to just keep the focus that this really will not last forever. That eventually she will graduate high school and hopefully go to college. Just like hopefully my own son will get his act together and move out. I guess the only way to describe how I feel is resigned to how things are now. I get sad when I think of living so far away from my daughters. I feel lonely but I know only I can do something about that. Of course it is really hard right now, we had planned to go back home for graduations but just could not swing it right now. I know it was the right thing to postpone the trip till later but I am still sad and down about it. However I need to get myself up because I know my husband fears he will come home one day and find I have packed up and left. That is not me and who I am to ditch my responsibilities and commitments but he still has that fear. I need to start looking ahead, when the days are nice I try to get out walking with the dogs. So life just goes on with not a lot changing but I am working on a better attitude about it.

Something if your own kid notices

It is hard living in a house with someone who can't be trusted. My step daughter is that person which makes her so much more unlikable. But I give myself props for trying to like her and acting that way. I am basically a nice person so I will act out of that instead of being surly. I have my limit, my husband works rotating shift work so there are times I am taking her back and forth to school 4 days a week by the end of the fourth day I have reached my limit. Thank goodness school is almost over!! I am also tired of having to adjust my work schedule around it. I know I am pissing and moaning but today was just something. I caught her in a lie, we had asked if she had seen my son's towel that he has had for years, even describing it and she said she did not know but I had my suspicions. So I checked her laundry basket and low and behold there it was. When I asked her she played dumb and the oh I didn't know that was it. Geez she is almost 15 years old give me a break. My husband doesn't really want to hear it and he tried to say I know she is irresponsible. I said no she is a liar and rude and disrespectful to him. That is another bone of contention, she can be bossy, manipulative and disrespectful in how she treats and talks to him and he says nothing. Don't get me wrong I know teenagers can do that but this is on a regular basis even when he just asks her a simple question or helps her with her homework. My own son mentioned how much he notices it and if he does then you know it is bad because sometimes he is in his own world. He also said he is getting tired of being blamed for stuff she does. Like this candle that she gave me, it matched a bathroom perfectly so I put it in there but it has since disappeared. I know she took it but my husband tried to say that maybe my son did and all I could say is why would he. He tried to say that maybe he gave it to his girlfriend, I said he would not do that. If he wanted to give her a candle he would go buy one not take one sitting on the counter in the bathroom. By the way my son is a putz and I told him that tonight but I said when he gets his life together he won't be a putz anymore. I am disgusted with him also and he best get it together for sure. So I am not a parent that thinks my kid's shit don't think I just know he has more class than that. But at least he is working but he talks of stuff he wants to do but so far no follow through. AHHH stop the world I want to get off!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooo thankful for my job, it is the only sanity in this out of control roller coaster I feel like I am on. I also miss my husband and I, my son also mentioned that we don't do much together anymore. Again if he notices it then you know it's an issue. I trying to roll with the punches but it is hard, I miss us!! I want to be selfless and not selfish but not an easy task to do especially when we were always doing things together and I miss that. I miss the romance and intimacy we shared, it is lessening for sure. I understand that yes we have a kid in the house again but he tends to put her above our marriage and that scares me. Ugh well it is late and I have to get up early for work.

When it is quiet

As long as I keep busy the emptiness and homesickness do not intrude but when I take the time to be quiet it all comes rushing back. I don't want to keep feeling this way. The feeling of no matter what where I live now will never be home. My husband told me the other day how scared he is that one day he will come home from work and I will have packed up and left. I said to him that is not me so I don't see that happening, I have always been too dependable and reliable for that. And in addition I can't imagine being anywhere without him. And yes there is a but which is down the road I would like us to look into moving back to AZ or CA-specifically the San Diego area. I want to be near my family and friends again. However I do know jobs factor into this and him being able to get one in either of those two places may not be likely. So I just try to keep busy and not think about it or let myself slow down any to let how I feel intrude into my life. It does not good, it just causes me to be snappy and tense and angry. But I am so unhappy here, I have no friends and sometimes I honestly don't want to make new friends. I miss the friends I already have. I so miss my family and am missing out on so much with them. And then I feel so selfish because we do have so much here-we love our jobs and a beautiful house together but I want this all to be where home is and so far it ain't here. We have been here almost one year and it feels no where near like home. I will carry on and do what I need to on a daily basis but inside I feel like I am dying a little bit at a time. In addition step parenting is one of those things in life I could have foregone and not felt like I was missing out on anything. I care about my stepdaughter cuz she is my husband's daughter but as a person she is not likable though I am making a greater effort to try to find something about her that is likable. To make things less tense around here on my side of things. I love my husband very much so I will do it for him. Most days I do alright but there are some that I just can't stand having her around. And to be fair there are times I feel like that about my own son. I think out of the four kids in our lives I am living with the two I like least or don't like at all. I miss being near my own daughters, sharing in their lives, hanging with them. I want to go home and this place is not my home.

Out of Control

Things seem so out of control. Something has reared its ugly head in my marriage and I don't know if we will survive it. I am contemplating my options on what to do. But then what the heck can I do? I have my house back home however I have no job and no means to get my things there. I am so devastated at the thought of not being with my husband, not having him a part of my life and the worst is because of something on his part. I am so angry at him for what has happened yet I am so very sad and hurt about it. On top of that dealing with some fallout of my son's behavior. It is nothing he has done but if he wasn't such an arrogant shit he would not be in this mess. I look at these two men, the two most important men in my life and I resent them so very much for all this shit. I am trying to come up with the words to describe how I feel right now. I know I want to just chuck it all in, runaway. I feel like I am in a life that I don't want. Funny thing is even though I hate living here while I was on my vacay I realized I would not want to live anywhere without my husband. So here's my out, my chance to just pack it up and go home. However financially just not possible so do I just bide my time and get things together financially so I can do it down the road? I did tell Timothy he needs to get his shit together and out of his own cuz I don't know what the future holds for my husband and I. Things are spinning out of control and there is nothing that can be done to stop it from doing that. I have completely turned my life around for him and shit after shit keeps happening from him. Do I just say heck with it and cut my losses and just leave. But that takes money to move my stuff and then money to live on till I get a job. Then there is our debt, that makes it dicier because right now things are tight. So do I wait it out and get us ahead financially then leave or what do I do? Oh let's not forget the age factor for getting a job. That will work against me. Well I better stop because I am making myself more depressed with going over it. I am stuck in an out of control life.

Emotional Eating

Ugh emotional eating today was out of control. I like this place less and less. I mean I love my house but don't like where it is located. I hated coming home yesterday. I went to Phoenix and San Diego for 5 days. Both of those places are home to me. This place is not home, does not even begin to feel like it. So today after work I came home and just ate junk, I mean I am not overfull or anything like that but I kept snacking. I know why, I was ignoring how I was feeling. I just think it is better not to express it but I need to find a healthier outlet. I need to exercise but I feel so trapped inside, like I am pushing to get out but the barrier is just too strong. I want to like living here, I truly do because my husband really likes his job and loves this house. I want to be at peace here but so far not going that way at all. I need to break free from this funk, this depression, let's name it for what it is. I am depressed and I am sinking lower. I pretend all is okay because that is what is expected of me. Even now it is hard to stay focused on this writing and keep a train of thought.

So I will focus on my wonderful vacay. I loved it, the second stepped off the plane in Phoenix I knew I was home, putting on shorts, a tank top and flip flops was wonderful. Then driving to San Diego, stopping to see my mom for a bit, who I miss so very much, was awesome. Then my daughters and I get to San Diego and to our hotel by the ocean and I had to walk down there, the surf, smell of the ocean, the sand, that was home to me also. So we spent the weekend partying, eating, laying in the sun, then more of the same till I had to come back here.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

On the move

Another move has happened but this one is forward. We bought a house and are out of an apartment. We have been here less then a week and I already feel more at home in this place then I did for the past year we lived in the apartment. Hopefully it will have a settling affect on me. Another factor is spring is coming, the cold is slowly going away and the sun has been out more. But there are still times I feel like my life is out of control, that this roller coaster is falling apart and I can't get out of the car. I am trying to focus on the positive and the present. Need to quit trying to make sense of things that don't right now. The stress at times is high and I get frustrated with letting it get to me. Why do I forget the good things in my life, The blessings big and small. Count my many blessings one by one, just look around and add them up. I know they will be more than the negatives which I know I magnify to more than they are. Be thankful for the beautiful place I live in including this home. Instead I long for where we lived before moving here. I so want to go back there once again but I know our lives are here. But at times I feel so isolated and so alone. Surrounded by people but knowing no one and no one knowing me. Not feeling safe to let others in and be vulnerable to truly open up. I know that comes with time but it is hard after being around that for so many years. I am tired physically and mentally, my emotions are all over the place. I heard someone say that we pray for God to take away whatever we are going through but instead we should pray for wisdom as we go through it. So that is what I am trying to focus on and while mostly I am unsuccessful there are a few times I am not. It is making that one step forward count.

Runaway

This morning I was driving to the store and I felt like just driving away, not coming back. It was a feeling that came on so quick and let me tell you hard to fight in that moment. My life is not mine, I am losing myself and tonight I realized I am going to have to lose more of myself as to not get the disrespect I faced tonight. I like music that my husband and step daughter don't care for but hey they like music I don't care for but the difference is I respect their choice of music. I don't get the same back. and while they apologized for what they said, I am still angry, sad and hurt by what they said. It is like my faith, I know how they feel because they have expressed themselves. My husband likes to think he is open minded and respectful of what I believe but he is not nor is my step daughter. I just don't share or talk about it, I keep that part of me to myself. I share my faith with others and same with my music. I hide myself from those I should be able to share myself with. I become someone I am not just to keep peace, while I am not perfect at it I am perfecting it. Tonight again reminded me I am second rate in this house, at times I feel like it is not my home, I am standing outside watching myself and wondering where am I going, disappearing to. I am becoming a ghost of myself in my house. Laughing and talking, pretending to be a part of this family but at times I feel like the family is two-my husband and my stepdaughter. Am I just selfish or unrealistic to feel like I am. Do I just suck it up and carry on. I am becoming a shadow of myself and I need to accept that is my place in this household. A part of me is afraid that when I go home to visit in April and then onto San Diego for the weekend that I won't come back but just a small part because I am too responsible to not come back. It sounds harsh but I would not do that to my boss. At least at work I know how much they appreciate me and I know I contribute and am respected for who I am. There is a part of me that truly believes if I was out of the picture my husband would find someone else fairly quickly. I know if this does not work out then I am done with the whole relationship thing. But then I am losing us, it has been happening for a few weeks now. I don't know how to stop the down slide. I just exist in this place, in my life. Who knows what will become of me as I continue to hide myself.

Questions without answers

I miss San Diego, I miss the ocean. The last couple of weeks that has been growing stronger. I miss it plain and simple! It was the first place I lived that I truly felt like I was home and I honestly thought that we would stay there. I don't understand why it did not work out that way and that is one of those questions without an answer. The ocean made me peaceful when I was restless or hurting. The sound of the waves is soothing to my soul. I have yet to find anything here that does that. I want to be able to put my toes in the wet sand at the water's edge. To feel the sun on my face and warmth in my body. To let the crashing waves fill me up with peace and hope. Life where I live now is so flat line, no pulse to this place. I miss living near the ocean and I don't understand why we could not stay there, why God did not have things go that way. Instead I am living in a place with very cold weather and hardly any sun over the winter and a small town with alot of small town attitude. I want to go back to live in the Southwest either AZ or CA but here we stay for at least 3 more years. I miss living in San Diego but I want to start counting my blessings instead of looking at the negative. I need to start counting my blessings and stand fast in what I know to be right. Know God is with me in this lonely and dark time and hold fast to that truth.

The mask I wear.

I wear a mask, I have gotten quite good at it because even I don't always realize I am. I feel so ungrateful and petty because things are good here. My husband is building a relationship with his daughter now that she lives with us. We are buying a house, we love our jobs but I feel so alone so lonely. I was driving home from work and Mark Shultz's "He will carry you" came on and I started crying! The loneliness and homesickness was so at the surface. However when I came home I put the mask back on. The mask is what I wear, it is easy to put on and it gets easier with time. Well I guess that is it for now. I attached the song cuz it is so meaningful to me.

Spring

Spring is in the air

Life is coming alive with the changes.

Shedding the coat of winter

I delight in the days growing warmer

Sunny days will increase as dreary days lessen.

Trees beginning to awaken and raising arms to the sky.

Honoring the Creator and Maker of all things

Birds will begin to sing songs of praise.

Spring is coming alive all around.

Give thanks to God for all He gives.

Another Day

Ugh another day, it was yucky weather with the cold winds whipping through. I am so tired of winter, I am ready for spring and warmth and sunshine. It is Saturday and I went into work. Trying to get hours ahead because I am taking time off in April and May. I would have stayed longer, I don't like coming home much this past few weeks. I get no break from having anyone around in my house. And my husband is a planner, has a hard time just being but he has gotten better at learning to relax. Well his daughter is the same way and on top of it she is used to being the center of attention to her parents. My husband and his ex did not really like each other and so they focused everything on her and after the divorce her mom continued on, That is unhealthy and I am not like that. The problem is he is centering things around her and I guess that is the way it is going to be so I need to accept it. Like I have said I am so thankful for my job, I love it and it is exciting and challenging. I love going to work everyday and that it is fulfilling to me. I don't find that much in my marriage right now. as much I love him so very much and can't imagine life without him. I have tried talking to him about it and it just turns into a fight plus I don't want his daughter feeling unwelcome here. So suck it up and find an outlet such as writing and need to get back to the gym to work through the emotions that are winding through me. As the saying goes SUCK IT UP!!

HIde Inside

I find it is better to hide inside. To keep the numbness and pain and agony to myself. I already expressed myself to my husband and I honestly thought he heard me but now that is all forgotten. I will lessen myself and my desires and my pain and my homesickness. I am already feeling smaller, like I am diminishing. But I can wear a mask, I am very good at that. I have this to express myself and my journal. Writing helps keep a lid on it, allows me to feel like someone is listening to what I am saying. Whether anyone actually ever reads what I write is beyond me but still I will write out, I will express, I will vent. This is all I have today. I will carry on, continue just being for now. Who knows maybe someday all this will pass but I don't have much hope of that.

Inside

Who can know the total inside of me? I hide it pretty well, I wear a mask so no one can see the numbing sorrow inside. What good does it do to express myself, no one really listens. I know my husband strives to be supportive and understanding but he just does not get how much I want to go back home. How things here are not moving in that direction yet I thought he heard what I said. Maybe I am wrong and eventually we will go there but I do not see it. I just wear my mask and strive to be cheerful when I am not. Believe it or not right now my job is what keeps me from going under. Not my husband, no matter how much I love him, it is my job. I hang onto it, allow it to fill me with a purpose of being here. Otherwise what is the point of being so far away from those I love. I do not resent him, life is what it is but I am still sorrowing inside. I also miss the peace of the ocean and so want to move back there but yet I miss my family and want to be where they are. Where my daughters are. I am so torn between two places that are home and living in a place that is not. Will buying a house make a difference. It will to him, he has wanted one for so long and yes I do to, I am tired of apartment living but want to live in my house back home. I hurt inside yet there are no tears to shed because it is a numbing pain. One that has made a place inside and won't go away. So I will continue hide and hurt and just allow myself to live here because this is where I am at. I see no end to this place at all and so here I am. Alone so alone, even though my husband is my friend, I can't talk to him about how I feel, he does not get it, never really has and I am tired of trying to explain it. So I will sorrow inside but on the outside wear that mask.

always

I understand and accept that it is better for my stepdaughter to live with us but I forgot that kids are always around and unlike my grown son who lives with us we can't just go where ever we want and not have to worry about him. Constant and more constant. I feel so guilty and selfish when I think like this. Again just not sure how this will change our relationship. There is no more thinking if, it is when. I just feel like we will not have the intimacy we did before, we will lose that. I am good at pretending and I really need to keep on. I don't want her to feel unwelcome or in the way because that is how her mom has made her feel especially since she has moved in with us. This is her home and she needs to feel safe and secure here. I am tired already and the school run has just started. We have till the first week in June. I don't even know what to feel or to think at times. I can be up and then down. I feel like my job is my only sanctuary. It is where I feel calm and peaceful even though things are hectic. It is familiar and while things are different and changing there is continuity to what I do. I will strive to look at positives to this all and keep one foot in front of the other and trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight. That is one of my life verses and I need to keep my focus on God and His Word. I don't want to lose my husband and I and I have to trust God to help me to stay true and strong.

Oh boy

Well things have changed drastically. My stepdaughter is now living with us. Unexpected but also expected if that makes sense. I think his ex wants to be free when she moves. It will be rough and I am having to pick up a lot of slack because my schedule is more flexible than his. In a way I am not looking forward to having to work a schedule around a kid's again but I know it will be better for her. I hope this doesn't blow us apart. I love my husband so much but I feel like I am stressed all the time. Like I am letting down my job but I know my boss understands but still I am not great about this. I will do what needs to be done, I always have. I need to look at the good side which right now is I get off early and strive to enjoy the time in the afternoon that I normally wouldn't have. It will mean working 6 days a week since alot of the week will be 6 hour work weeks. I know my husband is so grateful I am willing to do this and it is only till the end of the year then we will move near her school. Just need to keep a good focus and hope and pray he and I don't implode.

Another day

This day was a little more calm emotionally than it has been. I am just accepting what will happen knowing I have no control over it. I need to find outlets to use when I get like this. This morning I went to the gym and had a great workout. Then this afternoon went to the movies with a friend. And another is to just not think about it and at times ignore the pain and out of control feeling I have. It doesn't do any good to think or focus on it. It just brings me down, I am finding that writing it out is a good thing, a release of some sort. Of course it is usually temporary and easily overturned. Right now I feel good but who knows how tomorrow I will feel. I do wish I could just crawl into bed and pull the covers up but if I do that then my husband makes me feel antisocial or don't want to hang around him and his daughter. Oh yea there was something this morning. I came home from the gym and was taking a shower and he told me what we were going to do the rest of the day. He did not ask or suggest what we could do just told me. I told him how I felt, he said he just wanted to make sure that I did not feel left out blah blah. Are you kidding me!! I have been coming in third for quite awhile. And I agree that if his daughter lives with living where she can go to the same school as her friends will be good for her but to be honest I don't think it will be good for our marriage. That it will be better for her to live with us but I am not sure it will be better for our marriage. I will just take it one day at a time and pray my marriage does not fall apart. I love my husband but I think of what Tina Turner says, "what's love got to do with it" I used to wonder how people who say they love each other split apart but I am beginning to understand it. Who knows maybe things won't be as bad as I think and it will bring my husband and I closer. Right now I am just hanging on and taking it one day at a time.

There is no bottom

Today I cried most of the way to work and most of the way home. Life right is so pressing and I am going down into that dark pit. I have no been this down in so long. I try to pray but all there is only the cry of my heart. I know God hears that and I know He is here in this place with. Today I was so caught up in the many changes that have happened and that are going to happen and I realized God is the only one who does not change in my life. I think of the changes that I am facing and I have no control over the outcome. Choices will be made and I will once again be asked to give up something of myself. There is no one here that I can reach out and I can't talk to my husband because these changes and choices concern his daughter possibly living with us. So to talk to him would put him in the middle. Don't get me wrong, his daughter is a nice enough person and I know it would be better for her to live here but it still is a giving up of myself. All I can think is I want to go home. The only bright thing here is my job and my co-workers are great but other than that what is there about this place? Then I think of the time in San Diego and I miss the peace of the ocean. I really believed we would stay there, I truly believed that. This place we live is not me, it is only the place I live, not where I want to live. Not my home, we are looking to buy a house and maybe that will help but then we lived in an apartment in San Diego and it felt like home. I am falling fast, the light is fading and the dark is surrounding me once again, pressing in and at times suffocating. How long will I be down here, I know eventually I will come out of it and back into the light. But how long will all this be so heavy and at times so deafening? I am unraveling, my marriage is unraveling and I want to go home.

Tough times

Things have been really tough with my husband. We have been fighting a lot. There has been so much stress lately. Between his ex wife and my being so homesick it has been tough. I addition his daughter might be coming to live with us. I am acting supporting but am not looking forward to her being here. If she does then we will move across town so she can go to the high school her friends are at. I like the area of town currently live in. It is nicer and we are closer to things to do. I know I am whining but shit I feel like I keep having to give up things and get nothing in return. I still do not like living here and does not feel like home at all. Now I have to move to an area I don't really like. I am depressed but pretend to be happy. And lately I have been wondering if we are gonna last in the long haul. I have tried talking but we end up fighting and I feel like nothing has been accomplished except hurt feelings. I fell like we are unraveling and I really don't have the energy to anything about it. I take it one day at a time and just exist day to day. I have really thought of moving back to Phoenix, finding a job and just picking up and moving back without my husband. I hate that I am even considering it. I love my husband very much but the stress is getting to me, the thought of having a teenager in my house once again sucks, it truly sucks. I will become second to my husband, well gee that is a step up from number three behind his daughter and ex wife. I know he loves me but he wants his daughter in his life and living here with us that he forgets about just us and he will continue till we are totally unraveled. I am hanging on each day, if it wasn't for my job I would have nothing that I enjoy.

When Will It

When will this storm cease to lash at me?
When will peace settle inside and outside?
It rages on with the crash of thunder
Lightning bolts across the sky that is my life
The storm continues and seems to never cease
Just when I think the calm is ahead of me
The storm gains momentum and intensity
Will I survive this storm that just stays with me?
Can I stay steady and strong through the rain?
It is stinging and sharp to my skin and my heart
The thunder is again loud and deafening at times
The lightening is terrifying with intensity
When will this storm end and calm will restored

Venting!

I am trying so hard to be selfish or sound like a spoiled brat but I want to move back home. I miss my family so much and I was really hoping in no more than 2 years we could do it. But now maybe not and I am not happy about it. I am accepting of it but I am not happy about it. I will not let my husband know how I really feel because the reason involves him but not in a bad way. I understand the whys of it but it still sucks. Blah this place does not feel like home. Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful here and it has been great seeing places that I never thought I would but still it is not home. Also I do like my job and feel very blessed to have it. However outside of my hubby and my job what else do I have here. I have no friends and haven't met anyone I want to be friends with, the type of friend that I can hang with, have a few drinks or even getting drunk. Someone to hang out with all night. Or to laugh at the silliest things with, get my nails done, etc. I miss my family, I miss my friends and I am trying to get passed being so sad and down about it. I have shut myself off from God and I know that is not right. When I start I get angry and start crying. I find it is easier to just ignore how I feel and move on with life here. I know that is not right but right now it is how I survive. Well I am done venting for now. It is late and I have to get to bed. I have to work tomorrow.

Homesick

I have lived in Idaho since June and it still does not feel like home, not one little bit. I miss my family and friends. I especially miss my daughters. I have prayed and am positive about living here but still nothing. I want to move back to Phoenix but his job is here and unless he can get one there then Idaho is where we stay. Also coming here meant he was near his daughter but now her mom and her are moving out of state so what the heck!! I was at peace with coming here because he could build a relationship with his daughter but with the move she will still come visit but she could visit us just as well in Phoenix as she can here. I did not want to talk to Dennis how I felt but a friend encouraged me to and I did but I don't feel it cleared the air much. Like there is something hanging but I have said what I feel is what I needed so it is now up to him. I am not saying we would move tomorrow we both have commitments to jobs and financially we can't afford it now plus there is the fact he needs to have a job there for us to go. So for now here we stay and I will get through it. I have to look to God and allow His will to be done even if it means staying here.

well I am exhausted. Working long long days at work this past week have taken their toll and while it only after 11 on a Saturday I am ready to lay my head on my pillow and go into dream world.

Busy Week

It has been a busy week, a busy month in fact. I work in finance and so have year end stuff to do besides normal stuff for the month. But boy do my days fly. I love what I do and where I work. I am blessed with my job. It was hard moving to a new area and finding a job this past June especially I had just done that less than 2 years ago when I married my husband. I joked that aren't young folks supposed to be the ones that pick up and move constantly. Hopefully this is it for at least awhile. Many changes have happened in my life these past 4 years. These have also happened in my kids lives as well. But the only constant in life is change but it can be stressful. It is funny how there are articles on cutting stress out of ones life whereas I think the key is learning how to handle stress in a positive way. Stress is gonna happen, well at least in my life, I am learning to handle it. I am not always successful but sometimes I am. One of my favorite quotes is from Michael J Fox's book "Always Looking Up"

"So, sure, it may be one step forward and two steps back, but after a time with Parkinson's, I've learned that what is important is making that one step count; always looking up."

One can substitute Parkinson's for whatever they are facing in their lives and while it might not be something serious as Parkinson's, a person can only deal with what they experience. So I will strive to also make that one step count and always looking up.

LIfe

I moved to Idaho Falls with my husband who accepted a good job with a company doing what he did for 20 years in the Navy and liked doing. A bonus is his daughter lives here so he would get to see and spend time with her. And they have been and that is fantastic. I was okay with moving here because I wanted him to have a chance to get close to his daughter as I am close to my kids. But this next summer it appears she will be moving to the Seattle area. Her grandparents bought a house there, sold theirs here and are going. Her mom says she has a good job offer there and is also moving. So now it has me wondering what was the purpose for all the emotional upheaval in my life and my daughters lives if his daughter is just moving away. I miss my girls so much it hurts. When I first moved here I wanted so badly to go back to San Diego but ever since I went to Phoenix at Christmas time I realized that is my home and I am homesick. I was trying not to tell Dennis how I felt because I know he loves his job. I don't want him to carry guilt around for taking me away from my family but finally I told him because he felt like I was keeping something from him. He said he knows I feel that way, he can tell. Oh let's add in the fact that this winter has been so dreary, the sun is so fleeting and I am coming down with the winter blues. When I come home from work I just want to crawl under the covers but I don't. Staying motivated is hard to do and wanting to write is a chore. UGH I know winter will pass and the sunshine will come again but right now the blues have settled in for the rest of this winter and I have to live with it.

Sometimes

Sometimes I would love to have a blog somewhere that I could write anything and no one would know it was me. To just be able to vomit emotions, feelings, whatever out in total anonymity would be great. I don't know if anyone else ever feels that way and maybe someday I will do that but no one I know would ever know it was me so I would feel safe writing whatever I wanted. But then again would I want anyone ever reading those most dark or deep things about myself and what I think or feel. Are there somethings better left unknown except to myself. Are those dark areas better left unsaid to others. Are those things too private for the light of day? Those dark areas are behind closed doors and is it better to leave them there. I open those doors for myself but not to share with others. So this is something I will think on and decide what to do however I will not reveal whether I do it or not.

A New Year

A new year has dawned upon the earth. 2011 started out as 1-1-11 positive looking numbers so hopefully things will fair well this year. 2010 was a hard year emotionally for many people I know including my family and I. There were deaths, moving, health, finances encountered by loved ones. It was a painful year but hopefully through the pain comes growth. I know as I faced each hardship my strength and faith increased. While things seemed to come one after another I held onto God through it all. Oh don't get me wrong, I questioned Him, was angry at Him, at times even just ignored Him and wallowed in the pain and heartbreak. However I know God can handle all that and loves me through it all. I love the Psalms because many start out with the writer questioning why things are going on but then come around to praising their Creator. Also the book of Job was full of heartbreak and hardships. Job questioned but never cursed God and in the end praised Him and his faith grew. I have a positive hope for this year and even if there are more painful hardships to be faced my prayer is I will remain faithful and stand strong on my heavenly Father.

Today as I was doing my morning devotion I asked God to reveal an area of my life where I needed my faith and trust in Him to increase. So many people prayer for complete faith and trust in every area of their lives all at one time. I find that overwhelming and defeating. So by focusing on just one area will keep me from feeling like such a failure. My walk with Him is a progression where I can take two steps forward but three back but there are times I take more forward then I take backwards. God is constantly perfecting me and I will come to complete perfection when I am with Him in heaven. So I will focus on the area God lays on my heart to focus on and know through Him I will have victory.